Thanks for the opportunity to compare, Rebecca -
In total ignorance of the Greek, I can only respond to the English. Reading
the two, I like Economu's much more. Perhaps he could import "Eros" for
"Love" (not sure) but lines like
with that exquisitely beautiful face of his,
the beauty of abnormal enchantments,
with those ideal lips that bear
sensual delight to the beloved body,
with those ideal limbs of his framed for beds
that current morality calls shameless.
just are so much more graceful and economical than
.... the exquisite beauty
of his face, a beauty that appealed to the perverse,
with those flawless lips that deliver up
shameless gratification to the body that's loved,
with his perfect limbs created especially for the bed,
that everyday morality calls unseemly.
with its clumsy locutions ("a beauty that appealed to the perverse" or "the
body that's loved"). The repetition of "that" through the second passage is
a problem to my ear; Economu solves it much better, placing the repetition
on "those", which reinforces the particularity of the boy rather than merely
a syntactic particle. When "that" comes back in Economu's, it almost
functions like a rhyme, elegantly echoing back to the beginning of the
description. And the comparative placing of "shameless" is interesting;
Haviaras writes "shameless gratification" (rhythmically erk) where Economu
translates "sensual delight", and puts "shameless" at the end of the poem,
so the poem resonates into silence with that word, that frank and erotic
sentiment. Haviaras writes "unseemly", a word that alludes more than
anything to social etiquette, exterior behaviour. The double beat plus
trochee of "calls shameless" also closes much more powerfully than the
double trochee of "calls unseemly".
Hmm, that was fun. Jon, what is your opinion?
Best
A
Alison Croggon
Blog: http://theatrenotes.blogspot.com
Editor, Masthead: http://masthead.net.au
Home page: http://alisoncroggon.com
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