Dear All,

Since Alan Sokal wrote his “avatar” post, I have been reflecting on my life 
on the list. I did not wish to react quickly, but to think deeply on what I 
want to say.

Last week, I apologized to the list for my sharp tongue. I was reflecting on 
my list participation when Alan Sokal posted his note. Ken posted a few 
misleading words to buy me some time. Now, it is time to tell you about 
myself.

Ken and I share the same computer, but our relationship with each other is 
more complex than an ordinary pseudonym or Avatar.

Ken began to wonder what would happen if he could speak as a voice without a 
history offering an argument based on an intellectual or rhetorical position 
rather than perceived social position. This called for something that he 
does not have, a voice that could speak with no perceivable power, 
authority, or academic standing. Pondering how to carry out discussions on 
the list that he wanted to have but felt that he could not have as the 
person he was, Ken visited Hotmail, and here I was.

As a part-time graduate student, I have no power. Because I work in a normal 
job and study part-time, I’m not even an academic. The newest doctoral 
student on this list has a higher academic standing than a part-time grad 
student. To be that person, I had to come from somewhere (the Midwest), do 
something (consulting), and so on. Obviously, I am none of these things. 
There is a different between a persona and a person. I owe you an apology 
for seeming to be what I am not.

In recent days, things took turns I did not plan. I developed a sharper 
tongue than I planned to do, and I became involved in list dynamics in a way 
that I should not have done. Unfortunately, I discovered that I was just as 
forceful as Ken.

After my apology to the list, I received some 28 notes and comments. Some 
told me that I was out of line and suggested I behave myself or leave the 
list. More said that I had nothing to apologize for. Some told stories of 
their own experiences and difficulties speaking up on the issues I voiced.

These private letters taught me that the authority of sound argument and the 
force of rhetoric count for more than the perceived social position of the 
speaker. On one hand, it means that some fears about power distance are 
groundless here. On the other, it means that it is possible to seek a better 
way to unpack issues and their meaning.

In arguing the same cases as Ken without the impediment of power distance, 
this led to a second problem. My rhetoric changed the tone of some list 
conversations despite the fact that I have neither a recognizable name nor 
power. Rather than raise questions and perspectives, I stepped over a 
boundary that I should not have crossed.

In the process, I made interesting discoveries. Some people were delighted 
to hear an argument for these positions because they felt they could not 
take a forceful stand for different reasons. I had the pleasure of meeting 
people who never wrote to Ken. I learned to know other people from a 
different perspective than they took with Ken or the list, people who 
revealed other sides, greater depth, and sometimes personal issues they did 
not bring forward elsewhere. (I adapted or came to voice some of their 
positions.)

At the same time, I made serious mistakes in judgment. I said negative 
things to people that some feel Ken wanted to say but did not and my support 
for his position on some issues made a difference to the tone of the debate.

Attempting to create a person in this way raises ethical questions with the 
potential for disillusionment and deception. This was a serious mistake of 
judgment, and it is why I apologized and went silent at the end of last 
week.

The best approach now is to apologize again for my sharp tongue and for 
participating in a deceptive act. In the effort to argue without authority, 
Ken made an unwise choice. Ken should have remembered just how much is 
involved in creating and supporting the social network and human relations 
of any individual.

I have notified all of my private correspondents before writing to the list. 
Now I notify the list community.

I apologize for the effects I created by speaking as a voice with strong 
ideas but no power or authority.

Perhaps this is impossible.

Whether it is or is not, I regret my attempt to participate in the 
PhD-Design community as such a voice.

Sincerely,

Cindy Jackson

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