Neatly done, Bill, It seems t me you have gotten a bit more detail into each iteration. This catches a moment, now, just there.
Doug
> On Aug 10, 2017, at 4:36 PM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Thanks, Doug. Take your point. This version then, expects a bit of a reader
> as I remove the basic 'tell' but may be more engaging.
>
> That look
>
> The lips
> can be doing anything
>
> - barely touching -
> or hovering minimally apart.
>
> Posture, sprung-alert.
> Defences dropped,
>
> Charm taking hold.
> Sparkling open-eyed-ness
>
> directed your way. But not at you.
> Feels almost indecent.
>
> bw
> 11.8.17
>
> Bill
>
> On Fri, 11 Aug 2017 at 1:16 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
>> Bill
>>
>> the last 3 stanzas almost stand n their own. But Feel the first 2 ‘tell’
>> too much, & are explanatory rather than taking us into the situation. Maybe
>> don’t need st 2 & 3?
>>
>> Doug
>>> On Aug 9, 2017, at 4:31 PM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>>
>>> Thanks, Jill, Doug. Not withstanding Patrick's snappy definition, I feel
>> I
>>> need to go after this again, not satisfied that version one does the job.
>>>
>>> That look 2
>>>
>>> That level of sparkling-eyed engagement.
>>> directed your way. But not at you.
>>>
>>> You, mere backdrop, positioned
>>> behind or to the side of a stage performer,
>>>
>>> only receiving by default
>>> what someone else has earned.
>>>
>>> Notice the lips,
>>> which can be doing anything
>>>
>>> - barely touching -
>>> or hovering minimally apart.
>>>
>>> Posture, sprung-alert.
>>> But it's the open-eyed-ness.
>>>
>>> Defences down, Charm taking hold.
>>> Feels almost indecent.
>>>
>>> bw
>>> 10.8.17
>>>
>>> Bill
>>>
>>> On Thu, 10 Aug 2017 at 1:14 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>>> I agree, & the sense of such acts as performances…
>>>>
>>>> Doug
>>>>> On Aug 9, 2017, at 6:43 AM, Jill Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> I like how it moves through points of view.
>>>>>
>>>>> ________________________
>>>>> Jill Jones
>>>>> www.jilljones.com.au
>>>>>
>>>>> Latest book: Brink, Five Islands Press
>>>>> http://fiveislandspress.com/catalogue/brink-jill-jones
>>>>>
>>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>>> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
>>>>> To:
>>>>> Cc:
>>>>> Sent:Wed, 9 Aug 2017 11:31:52 +0000
>>>>> Subject:Re: That look
>>>>>
>>>>> Not a relationship really Patrick. Just trying to get across a look
>>>>> which
>>>>> is not yours to receive which you can see when someone is looking at
>>>>> someone else who charms them and you are 'behind' them and get to see
>>>>> the
>>>>> intensity of the gaze.
>>>>> Probably needs work as a poem.
>>>>>
>>>>> Bill
>>>>>
>>>>> On Wed, 9 Aug 2017 at 6:42 pm, Patrick McManus <
>>>>> [log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> ah Bill these relationship things -he seemed a defeated sort ??
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> On 08/08/2017 23:08, Bill Wootton wrote:
>>>>>>> Sparkling-eyed engagement.
>>>>>>> Not directed your way. Ever.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> But sit behind or to the side
>>>>>>> of a stage performer,
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> you may receive it.
>>>>>>> By default.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Not in the lips,
>>>>>>> which can do anything,
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Alert posture, sure,
>>>>>>> but it's the open-eyed-ness.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Charm taking hold.
>>>>>>> Quite unmans you.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> bw
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Douglas Barbour
>>>> [log in to unmask]
>>>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>>>
>>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
>> Continuations
>>>> 2 (UofAPress).
>>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>>>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> In the new dispensation, conspiracy
>>>> Will be replaced by
>>>> Collusion, the diction of the age
>>>> Filtered through the great sieve of particulars
>>>> To be sorted out later,
>>>>
>>>> Ann Lauterbach
>>>>
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> [log in to unmask]
>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>
>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations
>> 2 (UofAPress).
>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>
>>
>> In the new dispensation, conspiracy
>> Will be replaced by
>> Collusion, the diction of the age
>> Filtered through the great sieve of particulars
>> To be sorted out later,
>>
>> Ann Lauterbach
>>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Listen. If (UofAPress):
In the new dispensation, conspiracy
Will be replaced by
Collusion, the diction of the age
Filtered through the great sieve of particulars
To be sorted out later,
Ann Lauterbach
|