Great idea, Jill. Thank you. I can see how moving 'into poetry' to the end would justify use of the delay-inducing sets of parentheses. And the 'uncanny' bit kind of doubles up the line about 'perception inverters doesn't it. My test with brackets is to read it through without the brackets and see if that works. So I have fiddled a bit again now and cut. Transformations and propulsions have bitten the dust to allow 'drift' to have its head.
So, see Pat, all this advice has helped. I think so anyway. Thanks too, Millicent, Doug, Max, Andrew.
Here is my 'worked' final version.
drift
Can words drift,
(beginning prosaically,
informatively, looking
for all the world,
to be workmanlike,
jobbing sentence components)
right beneath your eyes,
and before you're aware,
(through dint of odd
placement
or line
turn)
into mood-changers,
joy-inspirers,
perception-inverters,
into poetry?
bw
23 .7.15
> On 23 Jul 2015, at 12:20 pm, Jill Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Hi Bill,
>
> I like the brackets. Punctuation is there to be worked with (and around, at times). I get how this is working with. Just a thought - and it's simply a thought. To move 'into poetry' to the very end and do without 'into the uncanny'.
>
> Cheers,
> Jill
>
>
>> On 22/07/2015, at 7:29 AM, Bill Wootton wrote:
>>
>> Drifters
>>
>> First drift
>>
>> Can words drift
>> into poetry,
>> (begin prosaically,
>> informatively, looking
>> for all the world at first,
>> like workmanlike,
>> jobbing sentence components)
>> and then,
>> (right under your eyes as it were,
>> before you're aware)
>> transform
>> through dent of odd
>> placement
>> or line
>> turn,
>> into thought-provocative
>> perception-inverters,
>> mood-changers,
>> joy inspirers,
>> propellers
>> into the
>> uncanny?
>>
>>
>> Second drift
>>
>> Can words drift into poetry?
>> Beginning prosaically,
>> informatively, looking
>> for all the world,
>> to be workmanlike,
>> jobbing sentence components,
>> then right beneath your eyes,
>> as it were,
>> before you're aware,
>> transforming,
>> through dent of odd
>> placement
>> or line
>> turn,
>> into mood-changers,
>> joy-inspirers,
>> perception-inverters,
>> propellers
>> into uncanny mind zones?
>>
>> bw
>> 22 .7.15
>>
>> Preferences, other ideas, people of the poetryetc?
>
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