After two such learned comments I tread carefully
I enjoyed the poem but (for me it stumbled a bit reading it aloud)
Maybe I am missing summat! Line nine could be lost but also shouldn't 'that
silence' be better 'silence that' then is flows on next lines -also again
'between interludes of chat' s could be better shorter 'between chat'
Cheers P back to sleep
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
Behalf Of Lawrence Upton
Sent: 08 July 2014 16:26
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Silent snap
Hi Bill
I like this; and it's been nagging at me because, possibly with arrogance, I
think you could make it even better...
What about making line 5 line 4 and vice versa? It changes meanings without
contradicting your meanings. It avoids 4 sibilants "silence is desirable"
together. I *think it makes your "argument " stronger
I don't think you need line 9. Leaving it out makes you less specific, but
surely that's not the most important thing.
& finally "establish" bothered me. Sorry but it's a little bit too
businesslike for me. Best I can come up with is empathise. If it *were my
poem, I might go for that, odd though it might be. As it isn't my poem, I'll
just let my muttering fade out with a thanks for what you have done this far
L
On 8 July 2014 12:55, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> How to create silence
>
> How to establish
> with someone
> that silence
>
> is desirable
> is not a vacuum
> between interludes of chat
>
> that silence is
> what it is.
> Savourable.
>
> bw
> 8.7.14
>
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