I simply like it.
A
On 9 July 2014 02:09, Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> After two such learned comments I tread carefully
> I enjoyed the poem but (for me it stumbled a bit reading it aloud)
> Maybe I am missing summat! Line nine could be lost but also shouldn't 'that
> silence' be better 'silence that' then is flows on next lines -also again
> 'between interludes of chat' s could be better shorter 'between chat'
> Cheers P back to sleep
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of Lawrence Upton
> Sent: 08 July 2014 16:26
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: Silent snap
>
> Hi Bill
> I like this; and it's been nagging at me because, possibly with arrogance,
> I
> think you could make it even better...
>
> What about making line 5 line 4 and vice versa? It changes meanings without
> contradicting your meanings. It avoids 4 sibilants "silence is desirable"
> together. I *think it makes your "argument " stronger
>
> I don't think you need line 9. Leaving it out makes you less specific, but
> surely that's not the most important thing.
>
> & finally "establish" bothered me. Sorry but it's a little bit too
> businesslike for me. Best I can come up with is empathise. If it *were my
> poem, I might go for that, odd though it might be. As it isn't my poem,
> I'll
> just let my muttering fade out with a thanks for what you have done this
> far
>
> L
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> On 8 July 2014 12:55, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > How to create silence
> >
> > How to establish
> > with someone
> > that silence
> >
> > is desirable
> > is not a vacuum
> > between interludes of chat
> >
> > that silence is
> > what it is.
> > Savourable.
> >
> > bw
> > 8.7.14
> >
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
'Undercover of Lightness'
http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
'Shikibu Shuffle'
http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
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