I love its pace and rhythm, other than the first verse. Do you think you
need to fill the reader in like a press article? Nah - let 'em jump in with
you at a full on pace! Drop the first verse - the rest is explanatory.
Perhaps add some jaunty verses in the same rhythm, with or without
Marmalade in them. (I'm reminded of Shel Silverstein, one of my fav poets!
If you don't know him, take a look - there's sure to be some on the 'Net.)
Andrew
On 9 January 2013 09:58, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> pleasant
>
> maybe change line 2 to
> visit Marmalades
>
> and write a sequel about Flowerdale?
>
>
> On 09/01/2013, at 7:20 AM, Bill Wootton wrote:
>
> > When in Yea
> > open seven days
> > is Marmalades
> > ex general store
> >
> > You can eat a tart
> > look at art
> > relax your heart
> > by a fountain
> >
> > Drink coffee iced
> > Fairly priced
> > Be enticed
> > at Marmalades
> >
> > Heading back
> > are many tracks
> > no choices lack
> > Try Flowerdale
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
'Undercover of Lightness'
http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
'Shikibu Shuffle'
http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
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