Judy

the first line is meant to be seen as ridiculous, absurd. I was trying
to parody attitudes I don't share, I agree I lay myself open as being
the author of that line, the behind-it-all is my concern about my pal
who had to call in the police last night because her two eldest were
trying to murder each other in the kitchen: she was put in the
difficulty of being a woman not being able to cope with male violence.
I've managed to give her a smile today but it's been hard going, for
some strange reason she isn't her normal bubbly self: maybe the
forensic teams being round in her kitchen had something to do with it.

I do agree though that my risible couplet, taken away from the context
of my tellings, could be seen as something its not meant to be.

All the Best

Dave

2008/9/11 Judy Prince <[log in to unmask]>:
> Indeed, the Scot is saggyacious, his reputation as an editor---not to
> mention the most obvious of his writing talents, poetry; in addition to his
> tour de force near-finished manuscript for a book on cant language from
> 1500-1900 in England and America---suggests that his recommending "but" in
> your second line would be the literarily wisest move.
> However, [as you knew I was going to say] you two may wish to consider,
> beyond a reasonable poetic concern for the bounds of careful-measured
> syllables, just what your words---without a "but"---mean.
>
> Your being the author of those words is beside the point of what the poem
> means to its readers [i.e., I want to ignore your authorship for the sake of
> riding roughshod over you].
>
> The poem can mean:  "Your leaping tits hit me in the eye, and I don't know
> why.  Now I'm shy."  Did you consider that meaning?
>
> [BTW, not to distract us from this urgent argument, but it seems so much
> more lovely to say the first phrase this way:  "Your leaping tit hits me in
> the eye."  Not to mention that if only one eye of yours is being hit, then
> likely only one of the tits is doing the hitting.]
>
> That aside, you may reject my reasoning that the person having his eye hit
> by a tit in fact wonders why the tit has hit his eye----rather than
> wondering why he is, subsequently, shy.  If my tit were hitting someone's
> eye, I'd damn well make it obvious as to why!  However, that might be a
> little more information than we need to know for a Proper Critique of your
> poem.  Let's move on.
>
> I still think, for the sake of the powerful, rolling movement [not of the
> tit, but of the phrases] in that lovely 'but-less' last line, you'd be
> advised:  delete the but, but subtract a tit.
>
> [This isn't a sexist critique at all, and I can't do parody]
>
> Judy
>
> 2008/9/11 David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]>
>
>> this thing does need an alteration, second line should read 'but now
>> I'm shy', otherwise the rhythm doesn't click. I owe this correction as
>> well as to my own mind to the sagacious Scot R.Hamilton.
>>
>> 2008/9/11 David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]>:
>> > Ode by David Bircumshaw
>> >
>> > (aged 53 and a half)
>> >
>> > Your leaping tits hit me in the eye,
>> > I don't know why, now I'm shy.
>> >
>> > (this isn't a sexist piece at all, rather a parody of such attitudes)
>> >
>> > Best
>> >
>> > dave
>> >
>> > 2008/9/11 Alison Croggon <[log in to unmask]>:
>> >> "Floating breasts" reminds me of what Auden said was his worst line
>> >> (perhaps not surprisingly, concerning a girl, whose name escapes me
>> >> but was something classically Greek) which went something like: "and
>> >> (Whatshername) / whose leaping breasts I pursued / through one long
>> >> summer".
>> >>
>> >> Brings a whole new set of images to pneumatic...
>> >>
>> >> xA
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> --
>> >> Editor, Masthead: http://www.masthead.net.au
>> >> Blog: http://theatrenotes.blogspot.com
>> >> Home page: http://www.alisoncroggon.com
>> >>
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > --
>> > David Bircumshaw
>> > Website and A Chide's Alphabet
>> http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/
>> > The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
>> > Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
>> >
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> David Bircumshaw
>> Website and A Chide's Alphabet
>> http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/
>> The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
>> Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
>>
>



-- 
David Bircumshaw
Website and A Chide's Alphabet http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/
The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk