Right, again, Janet. And I am fond of form, so will probably try to revise,
keeping the couplets.
On 1/10/08, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> That's better, but I still want to alter the ending, perhaps to
>
> ...These dreams
>
> wrap the shoulders of your long, flat days.
>
> (unless there is some reason you don't want to end with a 1-line stanza)
>
> I feel that the hooded shawl image weakens the idea of the wrapping. Takes
> away some of the warmth of it. Also I'm not keen on 'flat' -- it's a bit
> of
> a cliche for the idea of boredom or depression. 'Plain'?
>
> Janet
>
> On 09/01/2008, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> (most of poem deleted)
>
> > You wake in the fog of morning, slanted
> >
> bars of light on the ceiling. These dreams
> >
> > wrap the shoulders of your waking hours,
> > a hooded shawl for your long, flat days.
> >
> >
> --
> Janet Jackson
> [log in to unmask]
> www.proximity.webhop.net
> www.myspace.com/poetjj
>
--
~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
|