Caleb,
I, too, (as Cindy) find your original version stunning---so delicate-strong-spare-wrenching-clean. My thanks for it.
Judy
---- Cindy Lee <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Caleb Cluff wrote: <Accident.
>
> <I bought a new car, and my new car killed a <hawk.
> <Not a loud death - more like a suitcase hitting the <floor,
>
> <clasp not bursting open, contents not spilling forth.
> <Just death: small fluttering feathered death.
>
> <No mistaking death (you were the eye thereof)
> <I have seen you falling from the sky.>
>
> Caleb,
>
> I like the way that you have developed this. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but
> it seems a different subject now?
>
> I was stunned by the original*, not just because it had a deeply personal
> resonance - the sudden killing as an ill-omen, a presage of a lover
> leaving - but because the link between the death and the suitcase and the
> leaving (and the sleeping wind) was brilliant in its simplicity.
>
> *("I bought a new car, and my new car killed a hawk.
> Not a loud death - more like a suitcase hitting the floor.
>
> (This was before you left,
> and the wind lay sleeping upon the wheat.)")
>
> I would love to know if my understanding of the original reflects your
> intended meaning. (I'm told it's a good sign if your reader/listener
> wanders off down unexpected paths :-)
>
> Cindy
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