Thanks Cindy
I took Kasper's first critique away, and I'm still not finished with it.
The thought is still under-developed, but what Kasper said about the
tangential, and for me the ease with which the first draft was finished,
left me uneasy.
And it reflects my current reading. So this is a difficult period - I'm
reassessing my usage, and the end to which I'm working. It was easy to
'like' what I had written first, but it seemed, oh, not glib, but
simplistic. An effect, and a bit 'soft'. Your reading was correct, and
that's not a bad thing in my eyes given the original brevity, but I want
to reflect more on the first stanza. There's (is/was?) a Melbourne
theatre group called NYID - 'Not yet, it's difficult' - that's a pretty
good summation.
But I liked that second stanza, and I'll keep it somewhere. It's deeply,
deeply personal.
BTW Vincent: "The whiskey bottles as dark as petroleum" - great.
Caleb
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc provides a venue for a dialogue relating to poetry and
poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Cindy Lee
Sent: Wednesday, 18 October 2006 11:01 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Snap 18-10 revised
>Caleb,
I like the way that you have developed this. Forgive me if I'm wrong,
but
it seems a different subject now?
I was stunned by the original*, not just because it had a deeply
personal
resonance - the sudden killing as an ill-omen, a presage of a lover
leaving - but because the link between the death and the suitcase and
the
leaving (and the sleeping wind) was brilliant in its simplicity.
*("I bought a new car, and my new car killed a hawk.
Not a loud death - more like a suitcase hitting the floor.
(This was before you left,
and the wind lay sleeping upon the wheat.)")
I would love to know if my understanding of the original reflects your
intended meaning. (I'm told it's a good sign if your reader/listener
wanders off down unexpected paths :-)
Cindy
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