I just had to pass this on :)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
New Chemical Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently
discovered by investigators at a major US research
laboratory. The element, tentatively named administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number
of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant
neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice
neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312
particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction it comes in contact with. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it
would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately
three years, at which time it does not decay. Instead it
undergoes reorganization in which the assistant neutrons,
vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass number
actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that
administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends
to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations, universities, and
small research companies. It can usually be found in the
newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to
be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily
destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to
accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
administratium can be controlled to prevent
irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Peter Glazier
Administratuim Department
Exeter University
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Peter Glazier
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