Thanks Jill. Yes, no more Tinker-Bill on this one
On Thu, 20 Dec 2018 at 4:04 pm, Jill Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Hi Bill,
> Yes, I can see that. And maybe the 'the' makes for a better rhythm. A
> six of one type situation.
> My main thought the other way was to reduce the syllables in the
> second line, to lighten it up, so to speak.
> Perhaps best to leave it as you've revised. Too much tinkering can, in
> the end, just be too much. It is very fine as it is.
>
> best,Jill
> ___________________________________________Jill Jones
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
> To:
> Cc:
> Sent:Thu, 20 Dec 2018 12:49:05 +1100
> Subject:Re: lightweight haiku
>
> Thanks, Jill. I suppose I thought by including the definite article,
> it
> nails it more to a particular time of observation.
>
> Bill
>
> On Thu, 20 Dec 2018 at 12:23 pm, Jill Jones wrote:
>
> > Hi Bill,
> > Yes, this moves nicely, very butterfly-ish.
> >
> > I do like the spring/flickering sonic connection
> >
> > I still wonder if you need 'the'.
> > Thanks,Jill
> >
> > ___________________________________________Jill Jones
> >
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
> > To:
> > Cc:
> > Sent:Wed, 19 Dec 2018 14:56:22 +1100
> > Subject:Re: lightweight haiku
> >
> > Thanks, Sheila.
> >
> > Amended slightly now:
> >
> > spring lightweight
> >
> > in the flickering sun
> >
> > - a butterfly
> >
> > bw
> >
> > 19.12.18
> >
> > On Wed, 19 Dec 2018 at 11:23 am, Sheila Murphy
> > wrote:
> >
> > > lovely, Bill. Thank you!
> > >
> > > On Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 4:04 PM Bill Wootton
> > > wrote:
> > >
> > > > spring lightweight
> > > >
> > > > in flickering sun
> > > >
> > > > - butterfly
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > bw
> > > >
> > > >
> >
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