Another lash at it, Doug, before new snap tomorrow. Any alternative
onamatopeic suggestions for the sound of a car backfiring will be greatly
appreciated.
Bill
Ripple
She springs down Sunshine Beach Road,
swinging her daughter by the hand
until Popcraaack.
Sudden swerve
from kerb,
face lockdown.
The sharp report,
a car backfiring
quickly fades
as does mother's reflex
but not before her daughter
has mimicked exactly, both movements.
bw
27.6.17
On Fri, 23 Jun 2017 at 1:14 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
wrote:
> Qh, this is clearer, Bill, butI wonder if you can work on mixing the two,
> as the first one’s final lines work well, better, perhaps …
>
> It’s hard, sometimes, to find the rhythm, the line breaks, for such a
> carefully observed event… & at some point, the poem’s own moves must take
> over from the prose descriptions…?
>
> Doug
> > On Jun 22, 2017, at 3:58 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
> >
> > Well, this was my revised version, Doug but I rejected it as being too
> > prosaic and submitted my first 'snap'. It does address who springs and
> > avoids the feat/crease thing. Last line excisable for you a d Lawrence
> both.
> >
> > Bill
> >
> > Ripple 2
> >
> > Swinging her daughter by the hand
> > she springs down Sunshine Beach Road
> > until a sudden report, a sportscar backfiring.
> >
> > Involuntary swerve from kerb,
> > face shuts up shop.
> >
> > Taking her cue a millisecond later,
> > daughter mimics both movements exactly.
> >
> > Such a fleeting thing: joy
> >
> > On Thu, 22 Jun 2017 at 12:59 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> > wrote:
> >
> >> The 2nd & 3rd stanzas work really well, Bill; I wasn’t sure about
> >> ‘creasing’, nor about how old the daughter is, when they're ‘springing’…
> >>
> >> Doug
> >>> On Jun 21, 2017, at 2:37 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> >> wrote:
> >>>
> >>> No, Andrew, more as Patrick observed, the girl learning, on the job, I
> >>> suppose.
> >>>
> >>> Bill
> >>>
> >>> On Wed, 21 Jun 2017 at 6:21 pm, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
> >> wrote:
> >>>
> >>>> What's the full impact of the image, Bill? Is she an ex bikie's girl?
> >>>>
> >>>> Andrew
> >>>>
> >>>> <
> >>>>
> >>
> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
> >>>>>
> >>>> Virus-free.
> >>>> www.avast.com
> >>>> <
> >>>>
> >>
> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
> >>>>>
> >>>> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
> >>>>
> >>>> On 21 June 2017 at 15:51, Patrick McManus <
> >> [log in to unmask]>
> >>>> wrote:
> >>>>
> >>>>> cheers Bill image there of girl learning !
> >>>>>
> >>>>>
> >>>>>
> >>>>> On 20/06/2017 23:22, Bill Wootton wrote:
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> Springing along
> >>>>>> Sunshine Beach Road,
> >>>>>> daughter in hand,
> >>>>>> the young mother
> >>>>>> suddenly feints left,
> >>>>>> features creasing.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The loud report,
> >>>>>> a car backfiring,
> >>>>>> quickly fades
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> but not before
> >>>>>> the daughter
> >>>>>> has mimicked exactly
> >>>>>> her mother's movements.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> bw
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> --
> >>>> Andrew
> >>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >>>> Books available through Walleah Press
> >>>> http://walleahpress.com.au
> >>>>
> >>
> >> Douglas Barbour
> >> [log in to unmask]
> >> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> >>
> >> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
> Continuations
> >> 2 (UofAPress).
> >> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> >> Listen. If (UofAPress):
> >>
> >> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
> >> and watch the Martian invaders,
> >> already appalled by our language,
> >> pointing at what they want.
> >>
> >> Bill Manhire
> >>
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>
> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations
> 2 (UofAPress).
> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>
>
> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
> and watch the Martian invaders,
> already appalled by our language,
> pointing at what they want.
>
> Bill Manhire
>
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