Lawrence
I can definitely see editing what’s there, little cut here & there, but I also see it as a kind of wall of monitors thing (do you remember David Bowie in The Man Who Fell to Earth?), & it could work as such, once you got it into the shape you seek.
Doug
On Dec 19, 2014, at 4:49 AM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Hi Douglas I appreciate your comments. I was on the point of closing down
> for the evening when it arrived and I have been thinking since, on and off.
>
> I think the poem's not very good; and it had been better if I had thought
> that before I posted it.
>
> Stevie Smith was not in my mind, but now that you mention her I can see why
> she might be in yours.
>
> The first stanza is cut down from what I originally wrote, mixing metaphor;
> I tried to improve it but I ought to have cut it out completely for all the
> use it is!
>
> In this and all poems that might be thought similar, I'm not greatly
> concerned about the nature of the power of observation - where are we
> watching Yogi and Boo Boo from? - it's a version of the fourth wall; though
> perhaps that would be an interesting question to pose; but that the
> description "particularly nosy & persistent drone" is what you came up with
> suggests to me that *I have failed. I can see the merit of what you say,
> but it wasn't what I was after!
>
> I am genuinely grateful for your comments; and I apologise to all for
> posting the poem!
>
> try again next week
>
>
> best
>
>
> L
>
>
> On 18 December 2014 at 17:48, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> a circling, indeed, Lawrence. makes me wonder in what, with what power of
>> observation. felt like a ride with a particularly nosy & persistent drone...
>>
>> of course I thought 'not waving but drowning' in the first stanza, & maybe
>> that's the feeling you intended throughout...?
>>
>> Doug
>> On Dec 17, 2014, at 12:37 PM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>
>>> skyline going down in fire
>>>
>>> in water, couple of arms
>>>
>>> thrown up and then failing --
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> the world turns upside down
>>>
>>> comes round in orbit; sky,
>>>
>>> the ground, the ground the sky,
>>>
>>> moving fast; the road,
>>>
>>> the planet, fast-moving cloud --
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> old man out in the garden,
>>>
>>> dark figure in bright sun,
>>>
>>> over-exposed, light
>>>
>>> cascading through a lens,
>>>
>>> just missing him, whitewash
>>>
>>> tipped from a bucket, pulling
>>>
>>> a spade or a fork, straw hat
>>>
>>> on his head, a pale blue sky,
>>>
>>> sharp vision! tilting over
>>>
>>> as we go at high speed;
>>>
>>> a woman's foot on a
>>>
>>> weighing machine; edge of
>>>
>>> the bath visible, its side
>>>
>>> wall and white top; corner
>>>
>>> of the hand-basin; coffee
>>>
>>> cup stains on the bath; mud
>>>
>>> stains on the floor. She steps
>>>
>>> off; the scale swings back and
>>>
>>> forth; clank; wearing stockings;
>>>
>>> oranges and apples juggled;
>>>
>>> some children's hands throwing
>>>
>>> and catching them; cameras
>>>
>>> pointing into the sky
>>>
>>> to catch the hands and fruit;
>>>
>>> advertising signs
>>>
>>> and signposts out of focus,
>>>
>>> curve of a wheel giant at large
>>>
>>> seen close (bonnet, headlight,
>>>
>>> both look a bit old-fashioned,
>>>
>>> both slightly blurred), all things
>>>
>>> are solarised; winner
>>>
>>> crossing the finishing line,
>>>
>>> police tackling a striker,
>>>
>>> tumbling together, skittles
>>>
>>> colliding, grasses
>>>
>>> interweaving under
>>>
>>> the wind, my voice and a TV
>>>
>>> shouting together to make
>>>
>>> one image; milk bottles;
>>>
>>> pillars of the British Museum,
>>>
>>> turkeys and Canada geese
>>>
>>> walking this way, topiary
>>>
>>> hedges, woman swinging
>>>
>>> a cape beneath her head,
>>>
>>> two men shaking a carpet,
>>>
>>> toreador, flag as he crosses
>>>
>>> the line, and the spacecraft
>>>
>>> rolling in space - a child
>>>
>>> with whooping cough - a snake
>>>
>>> eating flies at evening
>>>
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> [log in to unmask]
>>
>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2
>> (UofAPress).
>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>>
>> that we are only
>> as we find out we are
>>
>> Charles Olson
>>
>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
that we are only
as we find out we are
Charles Olson
|