Hi Douglas I appreciate your comments. I was on the point of closing down
for the evening when it arrived and I have been thinking since, on and off.
I think the poem's not very good; and it had been better if I had thought
that before I posted it.
Stevie Smith was not in my mind, but now that you mention her I can see why
she might be in yours.
The first stanza is cut down from what I originally wrote, mixing metaphor;
I tried to improve it but I ought to have cut it out completely for all the
use it is!
In this and all poems that might be thought similar, I'm not greatly
concerned about the nature of the power of observation - where are we
watching Yogi and Boo Boo from? - it's a version of the fourth wall; though
perhaps that would be an interesting question to pose; but that the
description "particularly nosy & persistent drone" is what you came up with
suggests to me that *I have failed. I can see the merit of what you say,
but it wasn't what I was after!
I am genuinely grateful for your comments; and I apologise to all for
posting the poem!
try again next week
best
L
On 18 December 2014 at 17:48, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> a circling, indeed, Lawrence. makes me wonder in what, with what power of
> observation. felt like a ride with a particularly nosy & persistent drone...
>
> of course I thought 'not waving but drowning' in the first stanza, & maybe
> that's the feeling you intended throughout...?
>
> Doug
> On Dec 17, 2014, at 12:37 PM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
> > skyline going down in fire
> >
> > in water, couple of arms
> >
> > thrown up and then failing --
> >
> >
> >
> > the world turns upside down
> >
> > comes round in orbit; sky,
> >
> > the ground, the ground the sky,
> >
> > moving fast; the road,
> >
> > the planet, fast-moving cloud --
> >
> >
> >
> > old man out in the garden,
> >
> > dark figure in bright sun,
> >
> > over-exposed, light
> >
> > cascading through a lens,
> >
> > just missing him, whitewash
> >
> > tipped from a bucket, pulling
> >
> > a spade or a fork, straw hat
> >
> > on his head, a pale blue sky,
> >
> > sharp vision! tilting over
> >
> > as we go at high speed;
> >
> > a woman's foot on a
> >
> > weighing machine; edge of
> >
> > the bath visible, its side
> >
> > wall and white top; corner
> >
> > of the hand-basin; coffee
> >
> > cup stains on the bath; mud
> >
> > stains on the floor. She steps
> >
> > off; the scale swings back and
> >
> > forth; clank; wearing stockings;
> >
> > oranges and apples juggled;
> >
> > some children's hands throwing
> >
> > and catching them; cameras
> >
> > pointing into the sky
> >
> > to catch the hands and fruit;
> >
> > advertising signs
> >
> > and signposts out of focus,
> >
> > curve of a wheel giant at large
> >
> > seen close (bonnet, headlight,
> >
> > both look a bit old-fashioned,
> >
> > both slightly blurred), all things
> >
> > are solarised; winner
> >
> > crossing the finishing line,
> >
> > police tackling a striker,
> >
> > tumbling together, skittles
> >
> > colliding, grasses
> >
> > interweaving under
> >
> > the wind, my voice and a TV
> >
> > shouting together to make
> >
> > one image; milk bottles;
> >
> > pillars of the British Museum,
> >
> > turkeys and Canada geese
> >
> > walking this way, topiary
> >
> > hedges, woman swinging
> >
> > a cape beneath her head,
> >
> > two men shaking a carpet,
> >
> > toreador, flag as he crosses
> >
> > the line, and the spacecraft
> >
> > rolling in space - a child
> >
> > with whooping cough - a snake
> >
> > eating flies at evening
> >
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2
> (UofAPress).
> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>
> that we are only
> as we find out we are
>
> Charles Olson
>
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