Sounds fine to me too, Andrew. I liked 'poisoned, dismissed'. Perhaps it could go on ...
Maybe the final five lines in stanza two could precede the first four lines? Might connect the cereal box dots more quickly. But you might be seeking to wend back to that. Your call.
Bill
On 18/07/2013, at 3:37 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I offer this poem in draft form for any comments: I need criticism to move
> on ...
>
> *FELIX*
>
>
>
> Each day
>
> when I open the cereal box
>
> I smile and remember Felix –
>
> happy young Aussie who led
>
> our charge into the Vietnam war
>
> only to return, poisoned, dismissed,
>
> a middle aged man overnight.
>
>
>
> Felix found words to be
>
> some kind of solace, letting
>
> his wit out to play with his Kelpie
>
> as he strummed his beat-up guitar.
>
> He printed his poems and songs
>
> on scraps of paper
>
> and covered each manuscript
>
> with cereal box collages:
>
> King Willie Weetie meets Snap*Crackle*Pop!
>
>
>
> When they cut off the front half
>
> of his left foot, he said
>
> *‘I’m half the iamb I used to be’*.
>
> On the Repatriation Hospital’s verandah
>
> you could hear his rough hewn baritone
>
> singing above the silence of
>
> his fellow Vietnam veterans, a life time
>
> from their youth, a stagnant squad
>
> puffing on their roll-your-owns.
>
>
>
> *- Andrew Burke*
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> 'Undercover of Lightness'
> http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
>
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