On 01/05/13 00:50, Douglas Barbour wrote:
> Not sure what you mean by 'stanza', Chris. I do like the heavy internal rhyme...
It was a sonnet form, 3 quatrains and a closing couplet
maybe I should put the stanza breaks back... this may get around the
unease I feel with the collaged colliding images since I do not think
this works, just yet. I should probably tighten up internal rhyme
schemes as well. Other then this, it does work as a sonnet which is
dialectic and also plural dialogic, since this is a collaged verse
novel. The turn is now more clearly 8 lines to five lines, the golden mean.
echoes in capacious rooms he feels
deals an inverted claustrophobia
deserted and lost in booms of heavy
artillery fire which then inspire
surrenders without any pretenders
that may turn the weather black
concerning fictions invented rented out
with no copyright claims on vented anger
frizzle hot in drizzle face shape chisel
not even the rain comes down with frowning
crowning a clown in pain not even you will
blame drowning at sea and main frame failure
let it be for now not a cow or bull
computation comes later; a lame game
>
> Doug
> On 2013-04-30, at 12:16 AM, Chris Jones<[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> >the 3rd stanza needs work; other then that could this work?
>> >(always the question of what you can get away with)
>> >
>> >echoes in capacious rooms he feels
>> >deals an inverted claustrophobia
>> >deserted and lost in booms of heavy
>> >artillery fire which then inspire
>> >surrenders without any pretenders
>> >that may turn the weather black
>> >concerning fictions invented rented out
>> >with no copyright claims on vented anger
>> >frizzle hot in drizzle face shape chisel
>> >not even the rain comes down with frowning
>> >crowning a clown in pain not even you will
>> >blame drowning at sea and main frame failure
>> >let it be for now not a cow or bull
>> >computation comes later; a lame gam
--
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