I wasn't being aggressive about the line breaks. Just an innocent question.
I *like* prose poems and this would be a good one with all the right
elements and tone.
A for Andrew
On 7 February 2013 11:46, Jill Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Great piece, and I did not mind the line breaks, from the first line,
> first few lines, particularly. Did not mind them at all.
>
> J
>
> On 06/02/2013, at 8:39 PM, Lawrence Upton wrote:
>
> >
> >
> > I'd say why not? Well, I have said it now; but I don't mean it to
> > sound rude or aggressive. Genuine question, but could sound
> > dismissive.
> >
> > Of course line breaks have to work. Just breaking lines does not a
> > poem make.
> >
> > Yet I don't think I have done my best with these line breaks. It
> *is
> > prosy writing, more so than much of mine -- that's working with my
> > friend Richard, I think; -- and nowt wrong with that, says you. (For
> > some reason I have a desire to speak like Long John Silver.) And I
> > could have done more with the breaks in terms of meaning and utterance
> > not just chopping it into lengths
> >
> > maybe breaking after "turned" and after "her", for instance. That's
> > off the top of my head from memory of what went through my mind and
> > was allowed to wander off
> >
> > In truth, I rushed my writing on this a bit Too many unavoidable
> > non-poetry things pushing in on my attention. So I'm grateful for your
> > comment; I'll look at it again. I think it's worth a bit more effort.
> >
> > Glad you like it. I have a related one about ducks that you may
> get
> > next week; but this one has more in it -- and I've been thrashing
> > around a bit of late in terms of what I have posted here -- again,
> > divided attention, either that or early onset... I like to think I
> > have been overdoing it rather than not being able to do it
> >
> > Time'll tell
> >
> > best
> >
> > L
> >
> >
> >
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
> > To:
> > Cc:
> > Sent:Wed, 6 Feb 2013 19:20:28 +1100
> > Subject:Re: snap
> >
> > Held me start to finish. Why cut it into lines? It would read well as
> > a
> > prose poem.
> >
> > Andrew
> >
> > On 6 February 2013 17:48, Lawrence Upton wrote:
> >
> >>
> >>
> >> Thanks, Sheila. I appreciate that
> >>
> >> L
> >>
> >> ----- Original Message -----
> >> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
> >> To:
> >> Cc:
> >> Sent:Tue, 5 Feb 2013 23:34:29 -0700
> >> Subject:Re: snap
> >>
> >> Beautiful piece
> >>
> >> On Tue, Feb 5, 2013 at 10:44 PM, Lawrence Upton
> >> wrote:
> >>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Crossing the low dune to the beach, the dog
> >>>
> >>> turned west. That seemed deliberate. I gave
> >>>
> >>> her some slack; and was pulled, following, to see
> >>>
> >>> many gulls in gaggle at the head, a spit,
> >>>
> >>> and the gulls were spitting! so, possibilities
> >>>
> >>> of beached fish. As we neared, they all skittered
> >>>
> >>> and rose; the dog leapt into a big rush --
> >>>
> >>> a fair-sized southern whiting pecked half clean
> >>>
> >>> on gull-foot-trampled sand, and she galloping off --
> >>>
> >>> And seemed reluctant to return. At last
> >>>
> >>> came back to see what I was pointing to.
> >>>
> >>> She sniffed but was unsure. Too much spattering
> >>>
> >>> of grit? It never bothered her before --
> >>>
> >>> I bent down, inhaling; and lifted it;
> >>>
> >>> half fish, its bottom side still unblemished,
> >>>
> >>> smelling fresh to me; tossed it into waves,
> >>>
> >>> the dog after it, jumping in, sniffing;
> >>>
> >>> and, after some minutes, she thrust her head
> >>>
> >>> underwater, and pulled it out, dropped it
> >>>
> >>> at the sea edge and danced away and back and
> >>>
> >>> around but never touched the corpse again.
> >>>
> >>> Richard Kessling / Lawrence Upton
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> >>
> >
> > --
> > Andrew
> > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> > 'Undercover of Lightness'
> > http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
> > 'Shikibu Shuffle'
> >
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
> >
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
'Undercover of Lightness'
http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
'Shikibu Shuffle'
http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
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