I like the slants, Sharon. If Dickinson could use dashes, you can use
slants. They don't detract, and they seem a nice organic linker/separator.
I rather liked the bathtub and sink, so let me offer a way to keep them in
but that, as you've done below, acknowledges "time cracked"=porcelain:
"of a bed / time cracked like [an] old porcelain
bathtub/flower-scrolled wedding clock/cream pitcher"
[Some of my not-great examples on 2nd line for visual reminders]
Lovely stuff, Sharon!
Judy
2009/6/15 sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]>
> I have never made a poem in anything remotely like this form -- clearly I
> am
> trying to do something, something new, but I don't know what:
>
>
>
> The House-Bound Ventures Out
>
> she prepares for days hoarding
> energy / fireflies in a glass jar /
> examines clothing for marks
> of wear / a hole in the knee / buttons
> cracked or missing / missing / stains
> on the embroidered breast / amulets
> in the pocket / earrings
> finger rings / key ring
>
> her eyes widen / she can feel the lids
> stretch / at the distant horizon / far
> mountains / clouds / the river
> high dark fast / pulling / at its banks
> trees bent down in the water
>
> a drive through the neighborhood
> of biography / victorian towered flats / the hall
> of a bed / time cracked / old porcelain
> cottonwood flurries at the windshield
> out-of-season seed-storm / wide-winged
> dark-tipped osprey / young-one
> gliding in the still air
>
> boarded storefronts / bowling alley
> gone / in its place modern cantilevered
> apartments across from the slumped motel
> where once she lived husbanded / loving /
> loved / daytime soap operas the drama
> of housewifery punctuated by books
> physics / philosophy / poetry
>
> she buys new fish for the slaughtered pond
> tiny shells & silk cord threading through narrow
> street after wide avenue / this old woman /
> green maples and ash trees
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
> sharon brogan
>
> http://www.sbpoet.com
> http://www.sbpoet.net
> http://smallpoems.sbpoet.net
>
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