Hi, Robert,
Lovely, all the attending to your poem, innit?
A bit frustrating, too, as it's often difficult to see anew---like our
ordinary arms and legs---what we've writtenly lived in.
My abiding view is that your original is stellar and that the several
sensible suggested repairs can't match your original. If you want my
reasons, beware: they'd take thrice the length of the poem to give you.
Let me give you back your clear, witty poem, then:
crows
crows have chased away the songbirds
in the morning I hear nothing
later I hear nothing but crows
outside, and below my window
a wall seen only in winter
then one morning a big white cat
it is raining here this morning
wet leaves, wet shingles on the roof
wet cat sitting on the brick wall
rewjr
2008/11/28 robert e. watling jr. <[log in to unmask]>
> On Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:23:02 -0800, Douglas Barbour <
> [log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>
>> crows
>> crows have chased away the songbirds
>> in the morning I hear nothing
>> later I hear nothing but crows
>> outside, and below my window
>> a wall seen only in winter
>> then one morning a white cat
>> it is raining here this morning
>> wet leaves, wet shingles on the roof
>> wet cat sitting on the brick wall
>>
>
> So Ok, how about:
>
> crows have chased away the songbirds
> in the morning I hear nothing
> later I hear nothing but crows
>
> outside, and below my window
> a wall seen only in winter
> then one morning a white cat
>
> rain here, wet leaves,
> wet shingles on the roof
> wet cat on the wall
>
>
>
>
> --
> "Cogito ergo...how does that go again?"...rewjr.
>
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