Thanks, Roger. Yes, I've tried to let the scene unfold without me, then show
the cameraman, as it were, near the end, and his silly flights of fancy,
only to be brought back to reality with a jolt by his wife coming back. To
guide against more intrusion, the windows are up against any further reality
in the shape of the rain getting in. I want the viewer/reader to wonder who
is seeing this, reporting this, just enough before the question is answered.
In the original drafts, I had the viewer as the link throughout, but it was
too bland that way - it didn't achieve anything. Mind you, I'm not too sure
this does either!
Andrew
2008/9/26 Roger Day <[log in to unmask]>
> A bit more information on my initial reaction. I think it was the
> rapid context switch that threw me. You describe the scene before you
> very intimately, and with little metaphor. then it's back to you, and
> suddenly the observer - whom you've not really mentioned until this
> point - is at The Globe and you - we - are in (quite a large)
> metaphor. My initial reaction was, heh, what? Where? What the heck is
> the Globe when it's at home; then it struck me later that you'd gone
> into a variant of "all the world's a stage" etc.
>
> Roger
>
> On 9/26/08, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > Thanks, Roger. Pertinent points ... Yeah, poor Hoagy is nearly forgotten.
> > And 'the future' is approaching cliche, no? 'Suddenly' I tried with it
> and
> > without it - I'll work on that area. And now I'll have another look at
> the
> > sentences around youth ... But The Globe? Surely most readers of poetry
> > would know of that house.
> >
> > It is always good to get an objective view, so thanks to all, before and
> > now, who have piped up.
> >
> > Andrew
> >
> > 2008/9/26 Roger Day <[log in to unmask]>
> >
> >
> > > Hoagy Carmichael might stump most people under 60.
> > >
> > > I don't like "sure of their balance and future", I think that "future"
> > > is too didactic. As is "suddenly".
> > >
> > > If it was me, I think I'd cut down the sentences involving youth, keep
> > > the sentences that describe their actions short and snappy.
> > >
> > > "I'm at the Globe"
> > >
> > > left me wondering what the heck "Globe" was ... maybe "I'm at the
> > > theatre"? More prosaic but less of a reach between word and meaning
> > > for most people.
> > >
> > > Roger
> > >
> > > On Fri, Sep 26, 2008 at 2:24 AM, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]>
> > > wrote:
> > > > Remember the poem I sent in on 22nd? The one with the Talking Heads
> > > > lyrics? Well, it has been to the panel beaters and had some drastic
> > > > reshaping, so much so I don't know if the title suits it anymore!
> See
> > > > what you think:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Same As It Ever Was (draft eight)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The footpath is a thin one, interrupted
> > > > by parking signs. I tell you this because
> > > > along comes a Shoprider, an up-market
> > > > gopher with tall zipped-up plastic walls
> > > > like an oblong of shower curtains
> > > > driven through the drizzle of
> > > > a spring day. It parks outside the chemist
> > > > and a shaky hand unzips a side panel
> > > > carefully. Tall and stooped, rickety on
> > > > frail legs, Merv balances on his walking stick
> > > > and steps out, then just as carefully
> > > > zips the panel back up. He travels slowly
> > > > on worn slippers, his stick as third leg.
> > > > Down the path come two lads,
> > > > twenty or so, cocky, sure
> > > > of their balance and future.
> > > > Grandma Jones, grandson's hand
> > > > in hers, moves closer to the wall.
> > > > They don't even notice her.
> > > > A teenage schoolgirl walks past, legs
> > > > swift and sure, hips alive, and as she passes
> > > > she bends and waves at the little boy.
> > > > The big boys wave back,
> > > > mockingly. They know her sister,
> > > > the one with the rose tattoo.
> > > > This one's younger, solitary, waiting
> > > > at the traffic lights, balancing first on
> > > > one leg, then the other. Suddenly
> > > > a gleeful burst of young children
> > > > runs down the street, streamers in
> > > > school colours flying. Merv pauses
> > > > in the doorway to let them pass.
> > > > No respect, he thinks, no respect anymore.
> > > > His Shoprider has left a thin stream
> > > > on the footpath and one whooping boy
> > > > takes a tumble, no worse than
> > > > a fall at footy but today
> > > > it's a fright and he rubs
> > > > his coccyx. The chemist's girl
> > > > comes out to help. Merv waves
> > > > his stick to Shoo! them away,
> > > > then slowly zips up a panel,
> > > > walking stick hanging on his arm
> > > > Hoagy Carmichael style. I am
> > > > watching from the prompter's pit
> > > > how they play their roles so truly. I'm at
> > > > The Globe when my wife returns
> > > > from shopping. I start the car.
> > > > She says, 'This lot'd cost
> > > > a pretty penny without a pension card.'
> > > > I steer out and over a speed hump,
> > > > windows up tight against the wind.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Andrew
> > > > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> > > > http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > --
> > > My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
> > > "I began to warm and chill
> > > to objects and their fields"
> > > Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
> > >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> >
> > Andrew
> > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> > http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
> >
>
>
> --
> My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
> "I began to warm and chill
> to objects and their fields"
> Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
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