I also want to make it longer, so stay tuned for that
2008/5/14 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>:
> splendid crit Janet, thank you. an edit is forthcoming
>
> KS
>
> 2008/5/14 Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>:
>> now that I've finally read it, Kasper (I always enjoy Kasper's linguistic
>> play!)
>>
>> when I read 'drone' I think of 'fart', unfortunately. I agree, something
>> else is needed there. Perhaps replace 'drop a drone' with 'x or y', where x
>> and y are two onomatopoeic (sp?) monosyllables.
>>
>> 'see-through' also trips me up. I think, why not 'translucent'? -- but then
>> there's the rhyme with 'flash through' so maybe it's ok.
>>
>> 'en route' also seems out of place: dry, passive.
>>
>> One last thing: if the cloud is 'unknown to me' how can the narrator write
>> about it? the shift from the 'behind-the-eyes' to the 'god' perspective is
>> unsettling, especially as it occurs right at the end of the poem, and could
>> perhaps be handled better.
>>
>> Looking forward to the edited version!
>>
>> Janet
>>
>> I don't dare drop a drone
>>
>> in this night's vast room, heated stiff & hot
>>
>> by the radiator breathing mutely under the window.
>>
>> on the curtain are printed reeds, see-through,
>>
>> for insomniac nest-building pests
>>
>> to flash through, gaping with twigs,
>>
>> en route to a thicket cool as the moon's bright tea
>>
>>
>>
>> scenting the struck scene with a vaporous mint,
>>
>> the camomile of tremoring eyes¯
>>
>> above the house, unknown to me,
>>
>> a cloud hums or rumbles
>>
>> like a wineglass
>>
>> about to ring.
>>
>>
>> 2008/5/12 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>:
>>
>>> thanks very much everyone!
>>> drone was a copoutish thing, the opening line is just an alliterative
>>> trip I got in my head (which the rest of the poem came from..). I
>>> meant more like sigh or whisper or ANY kind of sound really. it's an
>>> edit waiting to happen.
>>> 'struck' is a little nondescript, & I'm also not certain about 'scene'.
>>>
>>> thnks
>>>
>>> KS
>>>
>>> 2008/5/11 Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>:
>>> > Hi Kasper I am not quite sure what drone means here (silly old duffer) is
>>> it
>>> > an insect drone -or an observer thing
>>> > Cheers unka P
>>> >
>>> > -----Original Message-----
>>> > From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
>>> > Behalf Of kasper salonen
>>> > Sent: 11 May 2008 01:08
>>> > To: [log in to unmask]
>>> >
>>> > Subject: just a snap
>>> >
>>> > I know it's nowhere near wednesday, but I almost never SNAP so now
>>> > that I have I thought I'd share.
>>> > http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_72q38xmwr3
>>> >
>>> > KS
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > --
>>> > No virus found in this incoming message.
>>> > Checked by AVG.
>>> > Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.9/1419 - Release Date:
>>> 07/05/2008
>>> > 07:46
>>> >
>>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
>> www.proximity.webhop.net (Poetry)
>> www.myspace.com/poetjj (Includes occasional arts & culture blog)
>>
>> The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
>> [log in to unmask]
>> groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
>>
>> Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
>>
>
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