splendid crit Janet, thank you. an edit is forthcoming
KS
2008/5/14 Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>:
> now that I've finally read it, Kasper (I always enjoy Kasper's linguistic
> play!)
>
> when I read 'drone' I think of 'fart', unfortunately. I agree, something
> else is needed there. Perhaps replace 'drop a drone' with 'x or y', where x
> and y are two onomatopoeic (sp?) monosyllables.
>
> 'see-through' also trips me up. I think, why not 'translucent'? -- but then
> there's the rhyme with 'flash through' so maybe it's ok.
>
> 'en route' also seems out of place: dry, passive.
>
> One last thing: if the cloud is 'unknown to me' how can the narrator write
> about it? the shift from the 'behind-the-eyes' to the 'god' perspective is
> unsettling, especially as it occurs right at the end of the poem, and could
> perhaps be handled better.
>
> Looking forward to the edited version!
>
> Janet
>
> I don't dare drop a drone
>
> in this night's vast room, heated stiff & hot
>
> by the radiator breathing mutely under the window.
>
> on the curtain are printed reeds, see-through,
>
> for insomniac nest-building pests
>
> to flash through, gaping with twigs,
>
> en route to a thicket cool as the moon's bright tea
>
>
>
> scenting the struck scene with a vaporous mint,
>
> the camomile of tremoring eyes¯
>
> above the house, unknown to me,
>
> a cloud hums or rumbles
>
> like a wineglass
>
> about to ring.
>
>
> 2008/5/12 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>:
>
>> thanks very much everyone!
>> drone was a copoutish thing, the opening line is just an alliterative
>> trip I got in my head (which the rest of the poem came from..). I
>> meant more like sigh or whisper or ANY kind of sound really. it's an
>> edit waiting to happen.
>> 'struck' is a little nondescript, & I'm also not certain about 'scene'.
>>
>> thnks
>>
>> KS
>>
>> 2008/5/11 Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>:
>> > Hi Kasper I am not quite sure what drone means here (silly old duffer) is
>> it
>> > an insect drone -or an observer thing
>> > Cheers unka P
>> >
>> > -----Original Message-----
>> > From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
>> > Behalf Of kasper salonen
>> > Sent: 11 May 2008 01:08
>> > To: [log in to unmask]
>> >
>> > Subject: just a snap
>> >
>> > I know it's nowhere near wednesday, but I almost never SNAP so now
>> > that I have I thought I'd share.
>> > http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_72q38xmwr3
>> >
>> > KS
>> >
>> >
>> > --
>> > No virus found in this incoming message.
>> > Checked by AVG.
>> > Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.9/1419 - Release Date:
>> 07/05/2008
>> > 07:46
>> >
>>
>
>
>
> --
> Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
> www.proximity.webhop.net (Poetry)
> www.myspace.com/poetjj (Includes occasional arts & culture blog)
>
> The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
> [log in to unmask]
> groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
>
> Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
>
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