now that I've finally read it, Kasper (I always enjoy Kasper's linguistic
play!)
when I read 'drone' I think of 'fart', unfortunately. I agree, something
else is needed there. Perhaps replace 'drop a drone' with 'x or y', where x
and y are two onomatopoeic (sp?) monosyllables.
'see-through' also trips me up. I think, why not 'translucent'? -- but then
there's the rhyme with 'flash through' so maybe it's ok.
'en route' also seems out of place: dry, passive.
One last thing: if the cloud is 'unknown to me' how can the narrator write
about it? the shift from the 'behind-the-eyes' to the 'god' perspective is
unsettling, especially as it occurs right at the end of the poem, and could
perhaps be handled better.
Looking forward to the edited version!
Janet
I don't dare drop a drone
in this night's vast room, heated stiff & hot
by the radiator breathing mutely under the window.
on the curtain are printed reeds, see-through,
for insomniac nest-building pests
to flash through, gaping with twigs,
en route to a thicket cool as the moon's bright tea
scenting the struck scene with a vaporous mint,
the camomile of tremoring eyes¯
above the house, unknown to me,
a cloud hums or rumbles
like a wineglass
about to ring.
2008/5/12 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>:
> thanks very much everyone!
> drone was a copoutish thing, the opening line is just an alliterative
> trip I got in my head (which the rest of the poem came from..). I
> meant more like sigh or whisper or ANY kind of sound really. it's an
> edit waiting to happen.
> 'struck' is a little nondescript, & I'm also not certain about 'scene'.
>
> thnks
>
> KS
>
> 2008/5/11 Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>:
> > Hi Kasper I am not quite sure what drone means here (silly old duffer) is
> it
> > an insect drone -or an observer thing
> > Cheers unka P
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> > Behalf Of kasper salonen
> > Sent: 11 May 2008 01:08
> > To: [log in to unmask]
> >
> > Subject: just a snap
> >
> > I know it's nowhere near wednesday, but I almost never SNAP so now
> > that I have I thought I'd share.
> > http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_72q38xmwr3
> >
> > KS
> >
> >
> > --
> > No virus found in this incoming message.
> > Checked by AVG.
> > Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.9/1419 - Release Date:
> 07/05/2008
> > 07:46
> >
>
--
Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
www.proximity.webhop.net (Poetry)
www.myspace.com/poetjj (Includes occasional arts & culture blog)
The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
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groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
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