I like so much of this, and I do like the new form.
I wonder if you need the first line. And I'm not sure you need the "seal
is innocent" part, especially where it is, after we've been introduced
to the woman who doesn't want the seal, and we're so intrigued by her.
You seem to move toward telling us why she should want the seal, but
we're already on the seal's side. What if you took those four lines out,
and moved the seal standing up and walking like a woman up to replace
them? That would explain the otherwise disconcerting shift from
referring to the seal as "it" to "she."
I like the repeated comparison of the seal's actions to water, but would
like to see more variety.
sharon brogan wrote:
> Still half-asleep, let's try a dreamier form -- I don't know if this
> will hold up in email:
>
>
> i ask for a dream to answer the question
> i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
> it wants to be in the house with the women
>
> it slides through the door like water
>
> the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
> it's the swimming colors of oil on water
>
> one of the women who lives in the house
> does not want the seal inside with the women
>
> the seal is innocent the seal is a blessing
> the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
>
> it slips through my dream like water
>
> she can swim in the depths she can surface
>
> her fur is thick and sleek and dense
> her fur is her skin of oil and colors
> the deep black-blue and purple of ink
> and the gold foil of secrets and vows
>
> the seal stands up in the room like a woman
> like a woman she walks on the shore
>
> the seal slides through my mind like water
>
> the seal is a sylph a cipher a bond
> the seal is a veil a consummation
>
> she swims through my dream like water
> the seal is an answer to every question
>
>
>
>
> On 1/30/08, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> I overlooked that in favour of the delicious metaphors. the structure
>> itself I'm not wild about, and the real problem is that the poem is
>> really just a motor for the metaphors & nothing else. though I'm
>> wondering whether that's a necessarily bad thing. a poem should not
>> mean but be, after all..
>>
>> KS
>>
>> On 30/01/2008, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>> An interesting dream alright, clearly imaged, and I like the way you don't
>>> tell us about the literal question and answer, if there was one. But I don't
>>> like it as much as Kasper does. The way it is written seems a bit...
>>> overblown, or something.... (fancy me saying that!!). It risks becoming a
>>> singsong chant drowning itself out with repetition. There are too many
>>> repeats of "the seal"; also "The seal is innocent it's an innocent seal" --
>>> why say it twice? Worth working on...hmm... maybe I think it needs a
>>> different form... shorter lines??
>>>
>>> hope that's not too incoherent
>>>
>>> Janet
>>>
>>> On 30/01/2008, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>> everything but the over-apparent list in the final stanzas was adored
>>>>
>>>> KS
>>>>
>>>> On 30/01/2008, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>> i ask for a dream to answer the question
>>>>> i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
>>>>> it wants to be in the house with the women
>>>>> it slides through the door like water
>>>>>
>>>>> the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
>>>>> it's the swimming colors of oil on water
>>>>> one of the women who live in the house
>>>>> does not want the seal inside with the women
>>>>>
>>>>> the seal is innocent it's an innocent seal
>>>>> the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
>>>>> the seal slips through my dream like water
>>>>> the seal can swim in the depths she can surface
>>>>>
>>>>> her fur is thick and sleek and dense
>>>>> her fur is her skin of oil and colors
>>>>> the deep black-blue and purple of ink
>>>>> and the gold foil of secrets and vows
>>>>>
>>>>> the seal stands up in the room like a woman
>>>>> like a woman she walks on the shore
>>>>> the seal slides through my mind like water
>>>>> the seal is a sylph, a cipher, a bond
>>>>>
>>>>> the seal is a secret, a consummation
>>>>> a veil, a promise, a blessing, a sanction
>>>>> the seal swims through my dream like water
>>>>> the seal is an answer to every question
>>>>>
>>>>> --
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
>>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> --
>>> Janet Jackson
>>> [log in to unmask]
>>> www.proximity.webhop.net
>>> www.myspace.com/poetjj
>>>
>
>
--
Tad Richards
http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/
http://opusforty.blogspot.com/
The moral is this: in American verse,
The better you are, the pay is worse.
--Corey Ford
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