hi Janet,
The trouble with villanelles is that they make such good exercises... I dont
altogether think the three beat line works for villanelles because there
isnt room for enough words that dont rhyme, so they can end up sounding a
bit like a jangling bell. And in this one your first line "Come down to the
beach with me" sounds as if it could be a four beat line, which is really
rather confusing.
If one of your repeat lines was
"I like and hate it equally"
now that would make for an interesting poem.
I tried a word villanelle once, with one word for each line and of course
they obeyed the rhyme scheme. Mercifully I have forgotten how it went.
cheers
SallyE
Sally Evans
http://www.poetryscotland.co.uk
http://groups.msn.com/desktopsallye
http://www.myspace.com/poetsallyevans
----- Original Message -----
From: "kasper salonen" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 12:53 PM
Subject: Re: A villanelle!
>I like it very much; & now the metric nonchalance works just perfectly.
>
> I'd make it 'flay', for -- yes -- flavour.
>
> KS
>
> On 24/01/2008, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> Another formal experiment caused by this damned book I'm reading.
>>
>> Come down to the beach with me.
>> Let's try to catch some fish
>> while staring at the sea.
>>
>> Let's walk down after tea
>> and save ourselves some cash.
>> Come down to the beach with me
>>
>> this evening. Will we spy
>> a swimming silver swish
>> while staring at the sea?
>>
>> Forget humanity,
>> their shouting smashing rush --
>> come down to the beach with me
>>
>> to hear the ocean sigh
>> its shore-touch splash and splish,
>> while staring at the sea.
>>
>> You'll feel as floating free
>> as anyone could wish
>> while staring at the sea.
>> Come down to the beach with me.
>>
>> I like it and I hate it equally.
>>
>> I can't make up my mind whether to have 'spy' or 'flay' in line 7. 'Flay'
>> changes the poem utterly, from light and fluffy to hideously ironic.
>> IMHO.
>>
>> Writing in trimeter (rather than tetrameter or pentameter) makes it even
>> more difficult because you have less room for your ideas. On the other
>> hand
>> you don't have to think of as many words and there's less risk of padding
>> it
>> out to fit the metre.
>>
>> Janet
>> --
>> Janet Jackson
>> [log in to unmask]
>> www.proximity.webhop.net
>> www.myspace.com/poetjj
>>
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