Peter,
What a fine poem--thanks for posting it. I'm with
Andrew in defending the punctuation. The commas are
necessary for rhythm and readability. Full stops, on
the other hand, would work against both, taking away
from the beautiful falling of the poem on and down the
page. (I wish I could hear you read it aloud. I did it
for myself and it swung!)
One query: Do you really need the last line? I think
that ending on an image, as in the next-to-last one,
would be stronger. Just my bias toward poems ending
imagistically....
Thanks again,
Candice
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