In a message dated 9/20/2007 5:17:17 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes
Dear Rupert:
Does it work better if I write
In the sunstroke lands of drought, mirage, and thorn,
Why, Nabi, were the Big religions born?
(Switching drought)
Can you please show me how you would set the contra per your idea (I agree
there's something labored to the last line)?
Also, if you are a spoken word person (and I must have it all, sound and
sight, page and stage), come join us at _www.myspace.com/twinpoetry_
(http://www.myspace.com/twinpoetry) . We feature audio of spoken word, but as you will
read in our manifesto, we make no divisions between poets, poetic schools, page
vs audio, etc. We are an informal collective seeking to support the spoken
word, and most of us like writing things down for journals, too.
Best, Larissa
the rhythm of this
lovely rhyming poem: -
This line is long but important
"In the sunstroke lands of mirage, drought, and thorn"
However, last line laboured (in terms of syntax and all). Why not the
contra-rhythm in closing?
"Why Religion born?"
This, near metrically and in terms of voice, makes up previous line/s. Or,
my clever writer, have you stepped forth from iambic pentameters?
Care not a bean for what I've just thought! I'm a poet of the spoken not the
page!
Rupert x
----- Original Message -----
From: "kasper salonen" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:15 PM
Subject: Re: Snap: Ayah
>I just watched Pan's Labyrinth, reading a re-vision of a
> story/fable/belief rings with that well. I don't really care for the
> final line, it breaks the short spell of the alternate nativity.
>
> KS
>
> On 19/09/2007, Larissa Shmailo <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> Ayah
>> Christ was born in a cave, dank and blind.
>> The prophets imbibed hot pedicured wine.
>> In the sunstroke lands of mirage, drought, and thorn,
>> Why, Nabi, were the Big religions born?
>>
Larissa Shmailo (http://myspace.com/larissaworld)
"The poet, like the lover, is a menace on the assembly line."
-Rollo May
_http://_ (http://larissashmailo.blogspot.com/)
_www.myspace.com/thenonetworld_ (http://www.myspace.com/thenonetworld)
_http://larissashmailo.blogspot.com_ (http://larissashmailo.blogspot.com/)
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