I agree with K here re poem but my thought is about the rhythm of this
lovely rhyming poem: -
This line is long but important
"In the sunstroke lands of mirage, drought, and thorn"
However, last line laboured (in terms of syntax and all). Why not the
contra-rhythm in closing?
"Why Religion born?"
This, near metrically and in terms of voice, makes up previous line/s. Or,
my clever writer, have you stepped forth from iambic pentameters?
Care not a bean for what I've just thought! I'm a poet of the spoken not the
page!
Rupert x
----- Original Message -----
From: "kasper salonen" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:15 PM
Subject: Re: Snap: Ayah
>I just watched Pan's Labyrinth, reading a re-vision of a
> story/fable/belief rings with that well. I don't really care for the
> final line, it breaks the short spell of the alternate nativity.
>
> KS
>
> On 19/09/2007, Larissa Shmailo <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> Ayah
>> Christ was born in a cave, dank and blind.
>> The prophets imbibed hot pedicured wine.
>> In the sunstroke lands of mirage, drought, and thorn,
>> Why, Nabi, were the Big religions born?
>>
>>
>>
>> Larissa Shmailo (http://myspace.com/larissaworld)
>> "The poet, like the lover, is a menace on the assembly line."
>> -Rollo May
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ************************************** See what's new at
>> http://www.aol.com
>>
>
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