You don't want to send people to the dictionary in the first line... they
won't be paying attention for the rest of it.
P
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of Patrick McManus
> Sent: 16 August 2007 09:11
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: poem revised
>
> Well I have trouble with the first line -surely we know what they sound
like
> -could it not be more informal shorter like say just(he says
tentatively!!)
> cicadas trill
> (or what ever they do blast stridulate ??barrack? clamour?? ballyhoo??
> Cacophony?? Stridulating (like poets at a reading!!
> Cheers P
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of andrew burke
> Sent: 16 August 2007 07:27
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: poem revised
>
> After a number of drafts, and some suggestions from p'etcers, notably
> Max 'Cooee' Richards, I have revised my 'snap' poem, Changing the
> Sprinkler (including changing its title):
>
>
>
> Gibb River Evening
>
>
> In the shrill sound of cicadas
> I move the sprinkler
> pulling the hose over
> red rocky ground.
>
> Who drinks here
> beneath the evening sky
> with the lace silhouette
> of tall gums before
> the pink sky's edge?
> A straw-necked ibis
> wings away and quacks
> like a duck. Beneath
> ochre-red clay, amongst
> a complex syntax of roots,
> strongest of earth's creatures
> push and pull a way
> through thickest breath.
> Webbed eggs fill a dark cavity,
> a thick-bellied vein worms
> by a deep chamber.
>
> I turn my ear to
> a chortle, a choking sound
> below the cicadas -
> once, then nothing.
>
>
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>
>
> --
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> 17:19
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