Speak for yourself, you!
joanna
----- Original Message -----
From: "Peter Cudmore" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, August 16, 2007 1:47 PM
Subject: Re: poem revised
> You don't want to send people to the dictionary in the first line... they
> won't be paying attention for the rest of it.
>
> P
>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
>> Behalf Of Patrick McManus
>> Sent: 16 August 2007 09:11
>> To: [log in to unmask]
>> Subject: Re: poem revised
>>
>> Well I have trouble with the first line -surely we know what they sound
> like
>> -could it not be more informal shorter like say just(he says
> tentatively!!)
>> cicadas trill
>> (or what ever they do blast stridulate ??barrack? clamour?? ballyhoo??
>> Cacophony?? Stridulating (like poets at a reading!!
>> Cheers P
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
>> Behalf Of andrew burke
>> Sent: 16 August 2007 07:27
>> To: [log in to unmask]
>> Subject: poem revised
>>
>> After a number of drafts, and some suggestions from p'etcers, notably
>> Max 'Cooee' Richards, I have revised my 'snap' poem, Changing the
>> Sprinkler (including changing its title):
>>
>>
>>
>> Gibb River Evening
>>
>>
>> In the shrill sound of cicadas
>> I move the sprinkler
>> pulling the hose over
>> red rocky ground.
>>
>> Who drinks here
>> beneath the evening sky
>> with the lace silhouette
>> of tall gums before
>> the pink sky's edge?
>> A straw-necked ibis
>> wings away and quacks
>> like a duck. Beneath
>> ochre-red clay, amongst
>> a complex syntax of roots,
>> strongest of earth's creatures
>> push and pull a way
>> through thickest breath.
>> Webbed eggs fill a dark cavity,
>> a thick-bellied vein worms
>> by a deep chamber.
>>
>> I turn my ear to
>> a chortle, a choking sound
>> below the cicadas -
>> once, then nothing.
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> Andrew
>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
>> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>>
>>
>> --
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> 14/08/2007
>> 17:19
>
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