While fighting to keep "aloof," I can do without
"cheeping." (I suppose "crisply fried" goes too far.)
Candice
--- Stephen Vincent <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Yo, Doug, I join in the praise!
>
> Stephen V
>
>
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "Douglas Barbour" <[log in to unmask]>
> > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 1:20 PM
> > Subject: delayed SNAP
> >
> >
> >> World full of trouble
> >> but Planet keeps on
> >>
> >> keeping small things
> >> bird on a wire cheeping
> >> in bright sun lit
> >>
> >> & in their nest upon the hydro
> >> pole eaglets squall
> >> hidden still
> >> grey mother hovering
> >>
> >> male's aloof white head
> >> impervious to cries & traffic noise
> >> gazing out upon the river
> >> bridge fields the small
> >> running food to come
> >>
> >> (Grand River, Cambridge Ontario)
> >>
> >
> >
> > I like this a lot, Doug. Fast rhythm /
> alliteration in stanza 3, w/ "small"
> > in last stanza picking up "squall." If I may make
> 2 suggestions: you don't
> > need "lit" in st. 2; and in 4, "aloof" =
> "impervious": how about simply "the
> > male's white head"? The distinction
> "World"/"Planet" very nicely poses,
> > opens the door on, what follows.
>
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