if you were to change the ending, it should be because the poem needs
it to change, not because another poet writing in english has used
repetition before. ;) Plath uses it often, I've found: "I am, I am, I
am", "That kill, that kill, that kill", "But colorless. Colorless.",
"Panzer-man, Panzer-man, O you", "the dead bell / the dead bell" &c.
repetition carries an unbelievable dramatic effect, almost always.
the question is, does the poem at hand need such a dramatic effect?
the 'trgically evil' tone I mentioned now sounds rather too bleak &
dark, it doesn't necessarily fit the lighter thrill tone of the rest
of the poem. it's like a judgement of finality, & very heavy.
this is of course a very critical reading on my part; to leave the
ending in would do the poem no kind of injustice. I laughed when you
said you'd "plagiarised the rhythm"; rhythm cannot be a matter of
theft, but of language & tone & intent. I understand your concern of
course; nobody can write about "red and brown seaweed" in any poem
without Thomas knocking on most readers' braindoors, for instance. but
this isn't a case of borrowed phrases (which even that can be
perfectly alright), but of *sounds*. not to worry Caleb
KS
On 12/04/07, Caleb Cluff <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Thank you everyone for your considered, deep replies, and Doug's
> generous rewrite. But now I have an enormous problem, per Kasper's
> reading and Candice's attention. That is, I recognise that the final
> line
>
> 'I will give you my last skin to wear, to wear, to wear.'
>
> is altogether too close to Plath's
>
> 'and live in Majorca on air, on air.'
>
> for my liking. It may be a subconscious allusion, as I haven't read the
> poem (the title escapes me) or indeed Plath, for a very long time. But
> as soon as the seed was planted, I knew I'd plagiarised the rhythm.
>
> Comments? It makes me feel so disappointed, as I thought the work had
> some directions for me to work toward, and now? It feels not entirely
> mine.
>
> Caleb
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of andrew burke
> Sent: Thursday, 12 April 2007 9:06 AM
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: Snap - The Spider
>
> Wow, I liked the poem, yes, but I qalso like the enthusiasm shown by
> other members. A great list of listeners!
>
> Andrew
>
> On 12/04/07, Stephen Vincent <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > The spider is sudden, like a vowel.
> >
> > Maybe part of the 'frisson' here is that "vowels" normally do not
> speed
> > things up (as in "sudden") but, more often than not, slow down and
> pace the
> > stream of consonants. So there might be a lovely - sleight of hand -
> > contradiction that you have managed to employ, Caleb. Thought the "e"
> in
> > your name is pretty quick in comparison to the "a" - a "sudden"
> realization,
> > I see!
> >
> > Stephen V
> > http://stephenvincent.net/blog/
> >
> >
> >
> > > Totally agree with Stephen Caleb: what an opening line.
> > >
> > > And the ongoing perceptual understanding...
> > >
> > > Doug
> > > On 10-Apr-07, at 10:54 PM, Stephen Vincent wrote:
> > >
> > >> The spider is sudden, like a vowel.
> > >>
> > >> That alone is a great line, Caleb!
> > >> I have met the spider and I have met the vowel
> > >> but to get together at the same time
> > >> Rips!
> > >>
> > >> Stephen V
> > >> http://stephenvincent.net/blog/
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > > Douglas Barbour
> > > 11655 - 72 Avenue NW
> > > Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
> > > (780) 436 3320
> > > http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
> > >
> > > Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> > > http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
> > >
> > >
> > > lipsynching awe all the way to the grave of the unknown onus:
> > > memory stutter; one smidgen, one scantling of thank.
> > >
> > > Dennis Lee
> >
>
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>
>
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