Thanks so much, Kasper, for your helpful comments.
I've always had problems with rhythm, but your remarks
about that make me want to pay more attention to it
instead of focusing exclusively on the poem's sound
and visual elements.
Candice
-- kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> hah, I'm becoming an ambiguous fixture..
> won't go to town thanks, maybe just around the
> block.
>
> as far as poems about food go, this is good. it
> doesn't rhyme
> 'pies/eyes' or anything!
> l. 4 is fun, being a 'line' itself.
> "dun to char" is a tiny but comfortable little aural
> crack.
> "night in the throat / smoked in its tracks" is
> beautiful.
> the second-last stanza is my favourite, vivid
> resemblance to WCW that
> isn't mimed all the way through, just snapped in one
> stanza.
>
> if there's any problem here it's the rhythm; the
> last two stanzas have
> a good stop-go feeling of not being sure whether the
> lines continue or
> stand alone, but the attempt to do this in the first
> st. isn't quite
> successful in my opinion. this is really because the
> stutter of the
> rhythm hasn't been established yet, & because the
> first line doesn't
> continue into the second, while the second continues
> into the third &
> so on. I think there should be an ounce more control
> of advancement,
> how the poem moves along.
> but otherwise this is nice. :)
>
> KS
>
> On 26/03/07, MC Ward <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > I'm a little embarassed by the number of my poems
> in
> > which food is mentioned. Here is one, and Kasper
> > should feel free to go to town on it.
> >
> > Tenebrisquet
> >
> > too dark to cook
> > the meat's burnt
> > a shade along
> >
> > the color line
> >
> > dun to char
> > the air just
> > prior to
> >
> > abrasion wafts
> > night in the throat
> > smoked in its tracks
> >
> >
> > from _The Moon Sees the One_, Wild Honey Press (c)
> > copyright Candice Ward, 2006
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
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