re my comments -- I'm afraid this is what I do, and it may or may not be
helpful -- not so much advice on how to fix this poem, but suggestions
on how to give yourself exercises that might give you a new insight into
how poetry works, and what you can do with it. Not that there's any one
way that poetry works. If you were in a class with me, you'd be stuck
with having to do bullshit like this. As it is, you can take it or leave it.
Anny Ballardini wrote:
> I agree especially with Patrick, that you are a brave man and what
> characterizes you is your humility to come back to the same list and
> offer a
> new version. This version is much better, and what The Old Mole has to
> say
> is to be taken into consideration, I think.
>
> Anny Ballardini
> http://annyballardini.blogspot.com/
> http://www.fieralingue.it/modules.php?name=poetshome
> http://www.moriapoetry.com/ebooks.html
> I Tell You: One must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing
> star!
> Friedrich Nietzsche
>
>
> On 3/27/07, Patrick Mc Manus <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> Gavin you are a brave man to post here -I like this poem much better
>> free-er
>> -do you belong to a local group that is a good arena to get feedback
>> Best wishes Patrick
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
>> Behalf Of Gavin Fagan
>> Sent: 26 March 2007 05:27
>> To: [log in to unmask]
>> Subject: Loneliest Walk
>>
>> Loneliest Walk
>>
>> Silently I sit looking out to sea
>> Watching the waves
>> Foaming up
>> Breaking all around
>>
>> Remembering those Summer nights
>> Bare foot across the sand
>> The tide lapping at our feet
>> Arm in arm
>> Quietly we'd sit
>> As the sun
>> Slowly sank in the distance
>>
>> Now the clouds are dark
>> Tide no longer
>> Lapping at our feet
>> Waves angerly lashing
>> At the rocks all around
>>
>> Unhurriedly I stand
>> Recalling the dark night
>> You left me
>>
>> Step be step I walk
>> Bit by bit I feel the waves
>> As they climb
>> Until I have only
>> A picture of you
>> In my mind!
>>
>> Written by Gavin WM Fagan 2007
>>
>> Would like feed back on my poem, thanks.
>> [log in to unmask]
>>
>>
>> Send instant messages to your online friends
>> http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
>>
>
--
Tad Richards
http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/
http://opusforty.blogspot.com/
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