Apologies for the subject line - *'Be prepared to kill your babies' (Michael Donaghy's version of the maxim) seemed a bit too extreme for a subject line...
<On 31/01 Caleb wrote re 'Snap - Off Marrickville Road' : "I ended up dumping that line - it didn't really get towards the idea of what <I wanted the work to do. And now I've sort of dumped the poem a bit as well."
Not completely, I hope. I 'see' the jarring quality of that line, but it held a truth, to which the jarring seemed appropriate. And that probably just says that I like the simple and the obvious...
Which brings me to my "stuff". This is an extract from a poem written last year which I'm currently revising:
(Later, in that last room,
where only the silk facsimiles of flowers keep you company,
I will find you 'done up' in salmon pink,
lace about your wrist and throat, your wedding ring
a loose halo about the bone.
These Bishop's clothes will lend you such a godly air,
that laughter at the affront of your coolly
godless self
will vie in my gut with the unbidden urge to
snap that bone for safe-keeping.)
As apparent, my grasp of metre has barely improved, so any comments, however harsh, would be gladly received. "Gut" is not the 'right' word, but I don't know what is.
Cindy
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