Cindy,
especially piquant images in 1st stanza.
could you kill the 2 "will"s?
what are your feelings about the person? I kept getting a seesaw of emotion and believe that a clear path of your response(s) to her is crucial.
best,
Judy
---- Cindy Lee <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
.....
> Which brings me to my "stuff". This is an extract from a poem written last year which I'm currently revising:
>
> (Later, in that last room,
>
> where only the silk facsimiles of flowers keep you company,
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> I will find you 'done up' in salmon pink,
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> lace about your wrist and throat, your wedding ring
>
> a loose halo about the bone.
>
>
>
> These Bishop's clothes will lend you such a godly air,
>
> that laughter at the affront of your coolly
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> godless self
>
> will vie in my gut with the unbidden urge to
>
> snap that bone for safe-keeping.)
>
>
>
> As apparent, my grasp of metre has barely improved, so any comments, however harsh, would be gladly received. "Gut" is not the 'right' word, but I don't know what is.
>
> Cindy
>
>
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