Having used "even" recently in another poem needn't stop you using it in
this one, surely -- they probably wouldn't be read together. However, if
you're wondering about monosyllables, how about "as is the sky"? But I think
"even" is better, probably because it *sounds even.
This is interesting -- have booked myself in for a series of masterclasses
on translating poetry, Feb/March at Newcastle University, and am looking
forward to it.
joanna
----- Original Message -----
From: "judy prince" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 7:30 PM
Subject: Re: poem: Maple Leaf Bridge Sheep Stop
> Thanks, Ken,
>
> Yeah, my first thought was "even"----but I'd used it recently in another
> poem. Do you think it'd work better here than "including"? This is still
> a translation in progress, and I'd love to have it sound at least adequate
> to my teachers' ears.
>
> And, you're right, Ken, Chinese words are monosyllables, as far as I know
> (which is not too far, believe me).
>
> Judy
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Ken Wolman" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 2:25 PM
> Subject: Re: poem: Maple Leaf Bridge Sheep Stop
>
>
>> judy prince wrote:
>>
>>>Maple Leaf Bridge Sheep Stop
>>>
>>>
>>>the moon sinks
>>>a crow screams
>>>all is frozen
>>>including the sky
>>>
>>>I face a bank of red leaf maples
>>>a fishing boat light
>>>and sleepless worry
>>>
>>>at midnight outside Soo Jo city
>>>a Shan Mountain Temple bell sound strikes the boat
>>>I am a stranger here
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~
>>>Jang Ji
>>>China, 800 A.D.
>>>translated 10-7-05
>>>by Judy Prince
>>>
>> I of course have no way to be "critical" of a poem out of any Asian
>> language, but this reads gorgeously...only thing as a poem in English is
>> a word as multisyllabic as "including." Not sure what a substitute might
>> be. Years ago I'd read around in Li Po, Li Ho, and Tu Fu, marvel, wonder
>> at how seemingly disconnected images create something in the mind that is
>> cohesive.
>>
>> ken
>>
>> --
>> Kenneth Wolman
>> Proposal Development Department
>> Room SW334
>> Sarnoff Corporation
>> 609-734-2538
>> Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
>> Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.
>> W.H. Auden
>>
>
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