As long as you keep the punctuation -some are very tetchy about that here:-)
Nice experiment
P cagmag P
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc provides a venue for a dialogue relating to poetry and
poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Knut Mork Skagen
Sent: 28 October 2005 08:58
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Another experiment of mine
Hi Janet,
> Today's experiment - you might enjoy (or not!).
> Not sure yet whether I'm taking this too far, or not far enough,
> with the codelike form and alternative spelling.
I'd vote "not far enough" ;)
I like the syntax and the SMS-style spelling which I think you could well
push further -- why "yu" when it could just be "u"? Why "intu/whu/yu" when
nothing else is respelled? But I also think there's a kind of coy quality
here you could leave behind. Some of the inventions come off as a
concealment rather than an essential way of saying the thing.
"Slipsneaking," "skin and phone" strike me perhaps as being "clever" phrases
sidestepping (or even slipsneaking ;)) the thing at hand. (That might sound
harsher than I mean it...)
I've seen this kind of thing pulled off, but to be succesful I think you
have to do it very seriously. A Norwegian poet recently published a long
science fiction poem "Solaris Corrected" in which he invented a new language
as a beautiful amalgam of SMS, English, and Norwegian (not even Norwegian,
really, but phonetic spelling of his dialect which is very specific to his
part of the coutry). "SOMTIIMS ven aig ne svefndrauma kan, aig draumen ein
simpl, silly draum..."
A succesful experiment is one that teaches you something. So this is a good
experiment; keep digging.
--Knut
>
> if
> I
> extend
> beyond skin and phone, sweat and paper, breath and screen
> slipsneaking thru the web and layers and intu
> yu /*a piece of me in yu*/
> then
> I contain a piece, a peace, of
> yu /*all */
> /*yu whu */
> /*have reached me*/
> Will cradle them; will keep them safe
>
> Janet
> ------------------------------------------------------
> Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
> Poems at Proximity:
> http://www.arach.net.au/~huxtable/janet/proximity.html
> ------------------------------------------------------
>
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