This morning I learned what it is to have your entire life flash
before your eyes.  On my walk, as the black, pre-dawn, heavy humid-filled
air filled my lungs, and I thought I was drowning.  Getting caught on the
back leg of walk in a soaking downpour that had flash flood written on
every teeming drop didn't help.  All of this impending doom was also
threatening to get in the ways of some reflections I was having of an
extended e-conversation with a distraught "virtual" Australian friend
during which up came the ole problem of the ole "system."  Seeking solace,
she felt overwhelmed by the complexity and vastness of "the system."  She
expressed an undermined confidence:  "It's too complex for me.....There's
nothing I can do....I have no choice....I have to act in a certain
way....I feel outnumbered....The 'system' is too big."  She ended her
description of her situation with a resigned, "What can I do? I'm just a
very small, insignificant cog in a vast system."

        Then she asked, "How do you not let the 'system' overwhelm you?"

        "I know exactly how you feel.  I once felt that way and let the
system get to me," I admitted to her. "But, now, I think 'mosquito,'
especially when I feel that tingling of the 'system' breathing down my
neck."

        Before she could wrinkle her virtual nose in bewilderment, I
continued. "Whenever I think I'm insignificant and can't make a
difference, I remember that I'm in south Georgia. I go have a talk with a
tiny mosquito."

        I explained that a lot of us talk nobly about being part of
something that is larger than ourselves, of following a sincere higher
mission or having an authentic higher vision or having a genuine
commitment of serving others. And yet, when it comes to "the system" of
which we are a part, we talk of this largeness in ignoble terms of being
trapped, threatened, isolated, devalued, unappreciated, controlled, and
diminished into impersonal, servile and compliant submission.

        That was me, too.  For over a quarter of a century, I had looked
at the challenge posed by imposing "the system" and used it as a bank in
which I deposited and from which I withdrew excuses, rationales, and
explanations.  I accepted it rather than challenged it and filled my life
with silent regrets. I blamed it when things went wrong and filled my
secret thoughts with resentment.  I used it as a reason to stop and to
hold myself back, and filled my spirit with hidden feelings of failure.  I
always bragged how I used the system and ignored how it was really pushed
me around, used me, misused me, abused me. I looked at "the system"  in a
way that defeated me, or, at least, limited me. It was convenient. I could
look at it and not at me.  I could blame it and I didn't have to take any
responsibility.

        A tad over a decade ago, without realizing it, I began to "think
'mosquito,'" although I didn't verbalize it that way.  I began to change
my focus. I slowly began to look closely at myself rather than survey "the
system."  At first, what I saw was not a pretty sight.  I began to point
fingers of responsibility at myself rather than fingers of blame at "the
system."  And, that was not a comfortable thing to do.  I discovered that
when I had been talking about the system, I was so often really talking
about myself. I was not a victim of "the system."  I had victimized
myself.  The system didn't dictate my behavior.  I did.  Or, at least, I
gave "the system" permission to dictate to me. I was a prisoner of my own
perceptions and thoughts.  As I peered deeper inside me, I began to see a
prettiness.  I slowly realized that my success, achievement, happiness and
fulfillment all depended not so much on "the system"  and "others" out
there, but rather on how I chose to view both myself and them.  I saw that
the most powerful and important control I have is over my own thoughts and
actions.  And, when I exercise that control, nothing has much control over
me.  I found, like all artists, it is through that self-control, from
which emanates self-expression, that my greatest possibilities can be
realized.  So, I began writing a covenant with myself to "think 'mosquito.'"

        Paradoxically, when I think of that tiny, insignificant, pesky
pest, I find myself thinking significant and big--and maybe pesky--instead
of thinking of the big system and feeling puny.  I slowly realized, as I
told my students yesterday, that the source of all possibilities laid
within me, in my mind and heart, not in "others" or in the "system." I
stop feeling surrounded, outnumbered or overpowered. I "just" let go of
that feeling, leave it behind, grab hold to new feelings, and get started.
As I took one small step after another, one day another, I began to
understand that I have a very important role to play; I started valuing my
worth and uniqueness; I began appreciating me; I slowly knew that I can
rise about the annoyances and frustrations; I got that feeling that I can
deal with the difficulties and get around the obstacles; I gained
confidence that I can make it happen, and that nothing and no one has to
stand in my way; and, I cut myself away from the herd.

        It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile is easy; and, it's well
worth getting that feeling of worthiness.  It makes a difference and
allows me to make sure I make a difference.

        So, I think 'mosquito.'

Make it a good day.

                                                       --Louis--


Louis Schmier                     www.therandomthoughts.com
Department of History             www.halcyon.com/arborhts/louis.html
Valdosta State University
Valdosta, GA  31698                           /~\        /\ /\
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