As we're all becoming +much+ too frivolous, perhaps this ...

Who said hard-bitten Edinburgh reporters are humourless?

Robin

Robin Hamilton

We have met the enemy and he is us

http://news.scotsman.com/archive.cfm?id=561752002&rware=PBWUPTCEPZJW&CQ_CUR_
DOCUMENT=1

Startled marines find Afghan men all made up to see them

Chris Stephen In Bagram

24 May 2002

BRITISH marines returning from an operation deep in the Afghan mountains
spoke last night of an alarming new threat - being propositioned by swarms
of gay local farmers.

An Arbroath marine, James Fletcher, said: "They were more terrifying than
the al-Qaeda. One bloke who had painted toenails was offering to paint ours.
They go about hand in hand, mincing around the village."

While the marines failed to find any al-Qaeda during the seven-day Operation
Condor, they were propositioned by dozens of men in villages the troops were
ordered to search.

"We were pretty shocked," Marine Fletcher said. "We discovered from the
Afghan soldiers we had with us that a lot of men in this country have the
same philosophy as ancient Greeks: 'a woman for babies, a man for pleasure'
."

Originally, the marines had sent patrols into several villages in the
mountains near the town of Khost, hoping to catch up with al-Qaeda suspects
who last week fought a four-hour gun battle with soldiers of the Australian
SAS. The hardened troops, their faces covered in camouflage cream and weight
down with weapons, radios and ammunition, were confronted with Afghans
wanting to stroke their hair.

"It was hell," said Corporal Paul Richard, 20. "Every village we went into
we got a group of men wearing make-up coming up, stroking our hair and
cheeks and making kissing noises."

At one stage, troops were invited into a house and asked to dance. Citing
the need to keep momentum in their search and destroy mission, the marines
made their excuses and left. "They put some music on and ask us to dance. I
told them where to go," said Cpl Richard. "Some of the guys turned tail and
fled. It was hideous."

The Afghan hill tribes live in some of the most isolated communities in the
country. "I think a lot of the problem is that they don't have the women
around a lot," said another marine, Vaz Pickles. "We only saw about two
women in the whole six days. It was all very disconcerting."

A second problem the British found came minutes after the first helicopter
touched down at one of the hilltop firebases, when local farmers appeared
demanding compensation for goats they claimed had been blown off the
mountains by the rotor blades. "Every time we landed a Chinook near a
village, we got some irate bloke running up to us saying his goat has just
got blown off the mountain ridge by the helicopter - and then he demanded a
hundred dollars compensation," said Major Phil Joyce, commander of Whisky
Company, one of four companies deployed.

As patrols moved away from the landing zones, the locals began pestering
Afghan troops attached to the marines with ever more outrageous compensation
demands - topping off at a demand from one village elder for $500 (£300) for
damage to a tree by the downdraft from helicopters.

But the marines were under orders to win the "hearts and minds" of local
farmers in what is one of the few remaining Taleban bastions. "I managed to
barter him down to two marine pens, a pencil and a rubber," Major Joyce
said. "He went away quite happy ."