Tina, I like this enough to have a go at it!
> iron girder implantation
> devices, forged
> by contemporary anxieties
>
> in the heat of battle
> twisted
>
>
> everything crashed down
If this is meant to be in the shape of the girder before, during
and after...how about wrecking up the last line, ie
everythingcrasheddown
or
every
thingcrash
eddown
or something.
I think "the heat of battle" is a bit of a cliche.
> 2. Floor
>
> large disks of light
> interrupt flagstones
> here & there effect
> illumination of kind
>
> haloed like thy name
This is my favourite, love that last line...
But do you mean "illumination of a kind"?
Either way I feel that line needs something added (deleted?)
to give it more grab, if you know what I mean.
> 3. Tower
>
> remains intact
> despite bombs
> & other assaults
>
> near the pinnacle
> small chink - tufts
> of chickweed bloom
>
> a magpie
> overlooks
> more formal
> arrangements
>
The first two stanzas are very effective - so why bother with the
magpie? I guess it was there! but perhaps it deserves its own poem.
"Remains" in the first line may be unnecessary.
You did ask for comments!
Janet
-------------------------------------------------------
Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
Poems at Proximity:
http://www.arach.net.au/~huxtable/janet/proximity.html
"When one acts in accord with the time, the yang energy
is expansive, like thunder going out of the earth and
rising forcefully into the sky, startling an area of a
hundred miles with its rumble, so that all demons flee.
The life-giving potential continues increasing, and the
earth is always covered with yellow sprouts, the world
blooms with golden flowers. Wherever one may walk,
everywhere is the Tao. No happiness is more delightful
than this." Liu I-ming, trans. Thomas Cleary
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