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medieval-religion: Scholarly discussions of medieval religion and culture

Dear fellow list members,
May I take the liberty of disseminating the following item from another
JISC discussion group to a wider audience.

Wyn Thomas
Prif Gatalogydd | Llyfrgellydd Gwybodaeth (Dyniaethau a'r Gwyddorau)
Y Llyfrgell
Prifysgol Cymru, Casnewydd,
Campws Caerleon
Blwch Post 179
Casnewydd
NP18 3YG

Chief Cataloguer | Information Librarian (Humanities and Science)
LIS | Library
University of Wales, Newport
Caerleon Campus Library
PO Box 179
Newport
NP18 3YG

Tel: +44 (0)1633 432104
Fax: +44 (0)1633 432920
minicom: 01633 432101
e-mail: [log in to unmask]
http://lis.newport.ac.uk/
----- Forwarded by Wyn Thomas/Staff/UWCN on 17/05/2004 14:19 -----

                      Alec Hartill
                      <archimages@SYMPA        To:       [log in to unmask]
                      TICO.CA>                 cc:
                      Sent by: "A              Subject:  End of semester howlers
                      general Library
                      and Information
                      Science list for
                      news and
                      discussion."
                      <LIS-LINK@JISCMAI
                      L.AC.UK>


                      15/05/2004 01:37
                      Please respond to
                      Alec Hartill






Am forwarding these 'end of term' howlers because I think they deserve a
wider audience!!
Have a great week,
Cheerio
Alec


  Art History Made (very) Simple


    PREHISTORIC
    One of the Lascaux murals shows molten bison.
    After a while, people learned how to make addictive sculpture also.
    However, it is not known whether Paleolithic cave dwellers actually
    preyed
    on Venus figurines.


    ANCIENT
    The Pyramids were probably built by slaves or pheasants during their
    time
    off.
    Ziggurats were temple mounds built out of baked pricks.
    Assyrian figures are usually muscular and stalky.
    Cycladic plank idols were made to pay homage to the diseased.
    Dionysus was the god of whine.
    Great examples of war in art come from the Temple of Aphasia at Angina.
    One scene from the Parthenon frieze shows Athenian girls with big jugs.
    Many Greeks were shocked when naked females began to show up among
their
    statues.
    Hellenistic artists portrayed Aphrodite in her toilet.
    The pricked up ears and sharp fangs of the She-Wolf of the
    Capitoline make
    her a force to be weary of.
    The Primaporta Augustus has a carob grabbing his tunic.
    The Roman basilica has two asps in it.
    The Pantheon was probably the first temple to have a dorm.
    The Emperor Theodosius set up an Egyptian odelisk in the middle of the
    Hippodrome in Constantinople.
    During the time of the Late Empire, the Emperors had troubles with
their
    boarders.  This anxiety is projected in
         a closed form statue of four rulers called "The Trilobytes"
    During the Fall of the Roman Empire, many important statues were
    broken and
    scared.


    MEDIEVAL (aka. "Mid-evil")
    The Early Christians used carved ivory plagues as devotional objects.
    Early Christian churches had long-drawn naives going toward the altar.
    Early Christian paintings often show Christ with bear feet.
    Byzantine artists made mosaics of pieces from the Bible.
    The clergy were the only people fluid in Latin.
    Medieval monasteries were self-centered units in which monks could
    subside.
    During the Migration Period, artifacts travelled the world.
    The Barbarian Migration period shows many good examples of animals
    in art,
    such as the Vikings.
    The prow of the Oseburg ship is in the form of a fierce dragon with
    a long
    snot.
    A frequently rendered scene is the Crucifixation.
    The Celtics produced beautiful manuscripts, such as the Book of
    Linda's Farm
    and the Boob of Kells.
    St. Mark is represented by a winged loin.
    In "Adam and Eve Reproached by the Lord" the stoopid figure poses
    reveal a
    heavy quilt.
    Romanesque churches were dark and had unhappy sculptures all
    around.  They
    had carved lentils over their doors.
         They served as important gaols for thousands of pilgrims.
    The rounded end of a church is called the arse.
    Gothic churches had upwards dementia.  They were built with grain
    vaults.
    Gothic builders were covered with elaborately carved decorations.
    Many French Gothic cathedrals were dedicated to Notre Dame -- "Our
    Lady,"
    the Virgin Mary -- as queen of the heaves.
    The stained glass windows of Reims Cathedral glorified the French
    anarchy.
    The great Rose windows were made with many pains, and held together
with
    tracers.
    The "Virgin of Paris" displays the typical Gothic scurvy pose.  She
    gives
    the viewer a better feel than the bulky Romanesque Madonnas do.
    Dante wrote the Divine Comic.
    A splendid example of Venetian Gothic building can be found in the
Dog's
    Palace.
    The Annunciation shows Mary meeting Gabrielle.




    RENAISSANCE
    Giotto painted the Lamination of Christ
    Triptychs were the epidemics of Bernardo Daddi's skill
    Giovanni Pisano's pulpit sculpture shows a donkey and a cow grazing
    down on
    the Christ Child in the manger.
    In Donatello's statue, the action of just having slayed Goliath has
    already
    occurred, and David is shown standing
         gracefully on his head.
    Donatello's Mary Magdalen is a stripped-down, emancipated figure.
    Powerful male figures were sculpted by Michelangelo in the nude.
    Michelangelo's "David" is a huge marble.
    Michelangelo shows David about to babble with Goliath.
    Leonardo da Vinci never completed his "Abortion of the Magi."
    Artists of the early Renaissance painted with tempura, while later
    artists
    used oil.
    The Ascension is a scene of Christ rising up to heave.
    One of Leonardo da Vinci's most famous works is his "Lost Supper"
    The apprentice was a useful tool for doing work during the Renaissance.
    Northern Renaissance paintings are chalked full of symbolism.
    The dog in the Arnolfini Marriage painting is a token of futility.
    Durer was abcessed with fame and loved to paint himself.  He shows his
    genius in water cooler paintings like the Great Piece of Turf.
    During the Mannerism period, women were almost always nude.
    El Greco concentrated on Jesus' many Biblical exploitations.  He
painted
    religious people whose bodies were strangely perverted.
    The night before the Crucifixion, El Greco painted Jesus spraying in
the
    Garden of Gethsemene.


    BAROQUE
    Bernini's David is a tense figure about to explode.
    In De La Tour's painting, the light from the single candle gives the
    Penitent Magdalen a holy massage.
    Artemisia Gentileschi presents a dramatic image of Judith as heroin.
    Rembrandt's self-portraits got dankier as the years wore on.  His last
    self-portraits look sort of pail in the face.
    Dutch Marine artists of the Golden Age excelled at painting navel
    scenes.


    18th & 19th CENTURY
    In Wright's painting of The Orrerey a loan woman is seated at the left,
    while the two gentlemen at the right look on
          with wrapped attention.
    In David's painting, the three Horitii brothers are shown swearing
    an oath
    to roam.
    Canova's Pauline Borghese as Venus Victrix is a work carved from
    Napoleon's
    sister.
    Manet was a French revolutionary hero who contracted a terrible skin
    disease
    while living underground in the sewers.
    David's The Death of Marat depicts a man who fought nobly for his
    country
    after he had been killed.  David's painting
         shows Marat assassinated by a woman in the tube.  He has died
    working
    for the Revolution, his penis still in his hand.
    Romantic painting is characterized by loose, fluid brushwood.
    Bierstadt shows three pioneers relaxing around a bombfire.
    In this Romantic work, Goya shows French soldiers executing a pheasant.
    Goya's print series "Disasters of War" shows the atrocities committed
by
    Napoleon's troops against Spanish peasants suspected of being gorillas.
    Early in his career, Rodin had thoughts of becoming an architectural
    sculpture.
    After six disasterous months of the Franco-Prussian War, Paris
    copulated.
    Mary Cassatt painted many scenes showing mother and child bondage.
    We see in Gustav Moreau's Jupiter and Semele the depiction of an
ancient
    Greek tail.


    20th CENTURY
    After the birth of the modern world, the 20th century moved in.
    Picasso pioneered the Cuban style.  He painted the "Women of
    Avignon" with
    many sharp angels.
    Dali's work is by and large Sir real.
    Tom Wesselman took pin-up girls out of men's magazines, twisted them
and
    blew them up.



    ISLAMIC
    Islamic mosques often feature elaborate minibars.
    One page from a Persian Shahnameh manuscript shows fierce warriors
    battling
    in the dessert.



    EAST ASIAN
    In Eastern art, the Buddha has 32 irregularities.
    The art of Southeast Asia is dominated by images of Bubba.
    The Great Stupa at Sanchi is a big solid dirt and rumble dome.
    Barrel horns have been found in early Chinese graves.
    The Kuan-yin is a manifestation of the scared Budda.
    Haniwa figures are completely hallowed.
    One of the most sacred places in Japan is Mount Fudgie.
    Japanese artists often resented Mount Fuji in their block prints.
    Japanese gardens are places of great tranquilization.
    Most Buddhist structures are located outdoors.


    ETHNOGRAPHIC
    Animals were scared in American Indian cultures.  Many tribes used
    animals
    as cymbals.


    GENERAL
    "As history unravelled itself . . ."
    "Without meaning to sound too prolific . . ."
    "Women's rolls have changed throughout history . . ."




    Compiled by
    Allan Kohl


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