I'm intrigued by the 'I' here, Chris, & ow he 'sees' it all.
So these lines:
feel this shame;
they are dead; it should be me, what I did to
survive as that which should be dead, are told.
I dont get the 'are told' as it fits the whole... & do you want the lifeless ness, the thingness of ' as that which'?
& it would feel more right to me if
still it remains. There,
eternally there;
were
still it remains. There,
eternally here;
because it's the I's sense of it isnt it?
Doug
On 2012-09-01, at 2:09 AM, Chris Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Some more BBQ verse. One must first understand this is fiction. Have edited it as hard as I can for now, so critical comments most welcome, as usual. Seeing it come back to me also helps, if that helps?
>
>
> (But I will admit his name was Gary. He had the most beautiful face, curly dark blond hair and an inch shorter then me... to give a secret away; we sat together through eternal pure math lectures, and it was cold, and then dropped out, dropping purple cones and micro dots... LSD.)
>
>
> * * *
>
>
> Lovers of myself; dead do they suffocate me?
> He swims naked in tan flesh in the long ocean beach
> and can I still remember him? Did I really live longer
> lover of me in my past I remember you still in drug
> induced sleep, illness his old age; memories back
> alive, like now, should I feel the shame of wiping
> old man tears from my eyes. I feel this shame;
> they are dead; it should be me, what I did to
> survive as that which should be dead, are told.
> Sunflower's life defy and still it remains. There,
> eternally there; he says the beautiful and touching
> short films of teenage coming out and first loves;
> he remembers the name of his first love again how
> it feels, again that feeling. Should this be his
> triumphant first love; again. Saying old love, in
> years as fresh as first infatuations of adolescence;
> while being taught in the cold lecture theater.
>
Douglas Barbour
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http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
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Why can’t words mean what they say?
Robert Kroetsch
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