Qh, this is clearer, Bill, butI wonder if you can work on mixing the two, as the first one’s final lines work well, better, perhaps …
It’s hard, sometimes, to find the rhythm, the line breaks, for such a carefully observed event… & at some point, the poem’s own moves must take over from the prose descriptions…?
Doug
> On Jun 22, 2017, at 3:58 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Well, this was my revised version, Doug but I rejected it as being too
> prosaic and submitted my first 'snap'. It does address who springs and
> avoids the feat/crease thing. Last line excisable for you a d Lawrence both.
>
> Bill
>
> Ripple 2
>
> Swinging her daughter by the hand
> she springs down Sunshine Beach Road
> until a sudden report, a sportscar backfiring.
>
> Involuntary swerve from kerb,
> face shuts up shop.
>
> Taking her cue a millisecond later,
> daughter mimics both movements exactly.
>
> Such a fleeting thing: joy
>
> On Thu, 22 Jun 2017 at 12:59 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
>> The 2nd & 3rd stanzas work really well, Bill; I wasn’t sure about
>> ‘creasing’, nor about how old the daughter is, when they're ‘springing’…
>>
>> Doug
>>> On Jun 21, 2017, at 2:37 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>>
>>> No, Andrew, more as Patrick observed, the girl learning, on the job, I
>>> suppose.
>>>
>>> Bill
>>>
>>> On Wed, 21 Jun 2017 at 6:21 pm, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>>
>>>> What's the full impact of the image, Bill? Is she an ex bikie's girl?
>>>>
>>>> Andrew
>>>>
>>>> <
>>>>
>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>>
>>>> Virus-free.
>>>> www.avast.com
>>>> <
>>>>
>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>>
>>>> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
>>>>
>>>> On 21 June 2017 at 15:51, Patrick McManus <
>> [log in to unmask]>
>>>> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> cheers Bill image there of girl learning !
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> On 20/06/2017 23:22, Bill Wootton wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> Springing along
>>>>>> Sunshine Beach Road,
>>>>>> daughter in hand,
>>>>>> the young mother
>>>>>> suddenly feints left,
>>>>>> features creasing.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The loud report,
>>>>>> a car backfiring,
>>>>>> quickly fades
>>>>>>
>>>>>> but not before
>>>>>> the daughter
>>>>>> has mimicked exactly
>>>>>> her mother's movements.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> bw
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> --
>>>> Andrew
>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>>> Books available through Walleah Press
>>>> http://walleahpress.com.au
>>>>
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> [log in to unmask]
>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>
>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations
>> 2 (UofAPress).
>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>
>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
>> and watch the Martian invaders,
>> already appalled by our language,
>> pointing at what they want.
>>
>> Bill Manhire
>>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Listen. If (UofAPress):
I go down to the Twilight Arcade
and watch the Martian invaders,
already appalled by our language,
pointing at what they want.
Bill Manhire
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