Well, I like the girl here, but otherwise would take 2 from the first set.
It is up-to-date, but it also reminds of one of (I think) Australia’s most highly thought of poems, Kenneth Slessor’s ‘The Night Ride,’ & that sets rather a high bar…(in that its image have stayed with me for years, even if I don’t remember the exact lines).
Doug
> On Apr 26, 2016, at 9:41 PM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Thanks, Max, Andrew.
>
> Unsnappishly, I have had another go. My hesitation with 'no life form' was
> that trees were obviously about in the area, Andrew. Maybe I have addressed
> that here. I didn't realise the Anzac connections till afterwards: pine,
> uniform. It was more that the rail lounge, counter and toilets were closed
> but the trains kept running.
>
> Max, thanks for yours below. 'only life' I might get away with if readers
> didn't count trees. So, barring ents, my new version might pass muster.
> 'ambulatory' might have Anzac associations too I thought, many now (all?)
> unable to amble if veterans. I do see the structure you have, Max, is
> attractive, instructive but I thinks I might stick with the military
> precision of the quatrains. I accept your hyphenated suggestion on
> rail-straight. Maybe by altering the gender at the end, it might seem more
> of a chance of being a peace train?
>
>
> On a country railway platform 3
>
> The only ambulatory life forms here,
> scatter-strung-out, ready, we wait.
> A pine wind scuffs crisp pin oak leaves,
> rustles trousers, riffles skirts. We gaze
>
> hard into rail-straight distance until
> a far-off glint reassures. Anticipatory
> milling kicks in. No uniformed presence,
> a computerised voice crackles. The 11.55
>
> from Ballan, stopping all stations to Southern
> Cross now arriving. Restrooms and ticket
> counter remain closed. Anzac Day.
> A tow-haired girl respools her yo-yo, boards.
>
> bw
> 27.4.16
>
> Bill
>
>
> On Wednesday, 27 April 2016, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
>> Well, Bill, I favor inclusion, combination and expansion.
>> I wouldn’t mind being able to see more on the platform
>> than just you and the boy.
>>
>> Max
>>
>> On Apr 26, 2016, at 15:49, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]
>> <javascript:;>> wrote:
>>
>>> On a country railway platform 4
>>
>>> Ranged, ready,
>> we want out of here -
>>
>>> we’re the only life in town -
>>> we wait to get away.
>>
>>> a pine wind scuffs
>>> crisp, crablike pinoak leaves
>>> and rustles trousers.
>>>
>>> We gaze hard into rail-straight distance
>>> till a far-off glint reassures.
>>
>>> Anticipatory milling kicks in.
>>> No uniformed presence but
>>> a computerised voice crackles.
>>>
>>> The 11.55 from Ballan, stopping all
>>> stations to Southern Cross is now
>>> arriving.
>>
>>> Neither restrooms nor ticket
>>> counter have been open. Anzac Day.
>>
>>> A tow-haired boy pockets his yo-yo.
>>>
>>> bw
>>> 26.4.16
>>>
>>> On a country railway platform 3
>>>
>>> Ranged, ready,
>>> we want out of here.
>>> A pine wind scuffs
>>> crisp pin oak leaves
>>> and rustles trousers.
>>>
>>> We gaze hard into rail straight distance
>>> until a far-off glint reassures.
>>> Anticipatory milling kicks in.
>>> No uniformed presence but
>>> a computerised voice crackles.
>>>
>>> The 11.55 from Ballan, stopping all
>>> stations to Southern Cross is now
>>> arriving. Neither restrooms nor ticket
>>> counter have been open. Anzac Day.
>>> A tow-haired boy pockets his yo-yo.
>>>
>>> bw
>>> 27.4.16
>>>
>>> Bill
>>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Transforming once reasonable human beings into gullible idiots is one of the biggest businesses we have.
Charles Simic.
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