Thanks, Andrew, for the chance to weigh in on this. I see that others are
providing additional thoughts!
GREAT!
On Sat, Aug 1, 2015 at 12:45 AM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Oh, Sheila, yes, very useful, thank you. I shall weigh up stanzas and their
> relevance to each other. (It began with a line for a short story, 'Life is
> a concept album' - but my mind or muse wrote lines toward a poem instead! I
> like to float free of restrictions, but then to tidy up the hurdy-gurdy
> into a comprehensible piece is often the major task.)
>
> Thanks. I wonder what others thought ...
>
>
> Andrew
> antipodean hermit
>
>
> On 1 August 2015 at 15:37, Sheila Murphy <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > Andrew,
> >
> > I have been thinking about your poem, and have been going back and forth
> > with myself about a couple of things here.
> >
> > Here is what I wrestle with:
> >
> > The stanza that begins with "As spring dusts off . . ." is great
> >
> > So is the stanza that begins "It's a game . . . "
> >
> > The beginning stanza is less strong. I would be more inclined to go right
> > into the powerful part and consider whether anything and if so what you
> > might want to join with those strong stanzas aforementioned.
> > The final stanza is not so strong as the middle.
> >
> > Conclusion for me is that you have so much power that it needs to have
> > other stanzas that equal that power, rather than move to generalities.
> >
> > Hope this is useful! Sheila
> >
> >
> >
> > On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 10:32 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
> > wrote:
> >
> > > Did anybody read my poem? Any comments - good, bad or indifferent - are
> > > welcome.
> > >
> > > Andrew
> > >
> > > On 31 July 2015 at 00:46, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > >
> > > > I'd love some feedback on the following, if you have time.
> > > >
> > > > .....
> > > >
> > > > Life is a hit album,
> > > >
> > > > concept pending.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > As spring dusts off
> > > >
> > > > the holding yards,
> > > >
> > > > North stays steady in a storm.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > We plan
> > > >
> > > > but rarely complete.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > It’s a game of millimetres,
> > > >
> > > > of a bee’s tit. Where
> > > >
> > > > you came from
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > takes you to where
> > > >
> > > > you go: *turn *
> > > >
> > > > *to us with confidence.*
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > - Andrew Burke
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
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