Not sloppy at all, L. Really like this, structurally and substantially. (I'm regarding this as a single poem.) 'Put off coat' is sufficiently strangely worded for me to indicate the oddness of undertaking familiar actions now not in the company - or the knowledge of the company - of the missed one. Whether 'true' or not, the fourth line could be excised perhaps, allowing readers to imagine the actions adopted rather than be so directed. 'breaks into me/like cold rain' is beautiful; it reaches into grief so tellingly. Words like 'elegant' and 'sexy' feel like 'showy' words of a different person. The signpost imagery works really well on many levels, allowing readers to interpret. 'heaping', 'stout', 'persistent' are all well-chosen adjectives. Not quite sure about the ending. An argument could be made to stop with a final couplet, finishing with 'hedges'. Then again the 'mouth within' does intrigue.
Bill
> On 5 Feb 2015, at 3:59 am, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Ive heard it said. & it was in tthe talk of the person whose voice I was
> trying to catch.
>
> Really the lines are all of reasonable length although irregular; but I
> have deployed a number of techniques which, when I wrote it - it was some
> time ago - were intended to convey faltering or querulous speech. Rightly
> or wrongly. I am sure they wouldn't survive jisc and so I went for this
> version.
>
> Bit sloppy, but there you are
>
> L
>
> On 4 February 2015 at 16:48, Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
>> Ah sad lost love -just wondered L does any-one 'put off a coat' or is this
>> Sutton talk? cheers P
>> Interested you made long first lines which broke down
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
>> Behalf Of Lawrence Upton
>> Sent: 04 February 2015 12:19
>> To: [log in to unmask]
>> Subject: Three Memento Mori
>>
>> I've adopted certain of your gestures
>>
>> refining them as acts of memory
>>
>> a sort of stillness in some ways you moved
>>
>> that is both elegant and sexy
>>
>> in a way I
>>
>> cannot
>>
>> understand
>>
>> my lines fall
>>
>> short of it
>>
>> it *is*
>>
>> and so,
>>
>> quite often
>>
>> simple
>>
>> processes
>>
>> like putting off
>>
>> a coat and
>>
>> rolling it
>>
>> into a rucksack
>>
>> bring back
>>
>> your presence
>>
>> and the joy I have
>>
>> lost breaks into me
>>
>> like cold rain which I
>>
>> receive
>>
>> shelterless
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> today it's an old fashioned signpost,
>>
>> two arms of three intact,
>>
>> pointing from nowhere to nowhere
>>
>> in an arrowhead triangle
>>
>> of marigolds, daisies, docks and heaping grass;
>>
>> but there're other things of great variety;
>>
>> this has stout bolts and persistent paint,
>>
>> the lettering clear; the top like a small church spire
>>
>>
>>
>> clouds deny gravity
>>
>> above encircling hedges
>>
>> at the world's top
>>
>>
>>
>> speechless
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> grief does not need
>>
>> a body or a loss
>>
>>
>>
>> it is both
>>
>>
>>
>> one walks forgetful
>>
>> a mouth within
>>
>
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