Not sloppy at all, L.



 Maybe. You haven't seen what I was working from. (Not only was I worried
that it wouldn't transmit accurately, I was also a little worried about its
quality as notation. Anyway, I am glad that you liked the work in its
essence.



 >I'm regarding this as a single poem.

I think that's right





 >Whether 'true' or not, the fourth line could be excised perhaps, allowing
readers to imagine the actions adopted rather than be so directed.

As you say, perhaps. It is directional, but is also part of the speaker's
making sense, trying to, failing. I'll think on that



 >Words like 'elegant' and 'sexy' feel like 'showy' words of a different
person.

I think they can be more than showy; but it is that other(person)ness
persisting in the memory which I hope they convey



 >Not quite sure about the ending. An argument could be made to stop with a
final couplet, finishing with 'hedges'. Then again the 'mouth within' does
intrigue.



 Have to think about that



 Thanks very much, Bill


On 4 February 2015 at 21:39, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

> Not sloppy at all, L. Really like this, structurally and substantially.
> (I'm regarding this as a single poem.) 'Put off coat' is sufficiently
> strangely worded for me to indicate the oddness of undertaking familiar
> actions now not in the company - or the knowledge of the company - of the
> missed one. Whether 'true' or not, the fourth line could be excised
> perhaps, allowing readers to imagine the actions adopted rather than be so
> directed. 'breaks into me/like cold rain' is beautiful; it reaches into
> grief so tellingly. Words like 'elegant' and 'sexy' feel like 'showy' words
> of a different person. The signpost imagery works really well on many
> levels, allowing readers to interpret. 'heaping', 'stout', 'persistent' are
> all well-chosen adjectives. Not quite sure about the ending. An argument
> could be made to stop with a final couplet, finishing with 'hedges'. Then
> again the 'mouth within' does intrigue.
>
> Bill
>
>
> > On 5 Feb 2015, at 3:59 am, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
> >
> > Ive heard it said. & it was in tthe talk of the person whose voice I was
> > trying to catch.
> >
> > Really the lines are all of reasonable length although irregular; but I
> > have deployed a number of techniques which, when I wrote it - it was some
> > time ago - were intended to convey faltering or querulous speech. Rightly
> > or wrongly. I am sure they wouldn't survive jisc and so I went for this
> > version.
> >
> > Bit sloppy, but there you are
> >
> > L
> >
> > On 4 February 2015 at 16:48, Patrick McManus <
> [log in to unmask]>
> > wrote:
> >
> >> Ah sad lost love -just wondered L does any-one 'put off a coat' or is
> this
> >> Sutton talk? cheers P
> >> Interested you made long first lines which broke down
> >>
> >> -----Original Message-----
> >> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
> On
> >> Behalf Of Lawrence Upton
> >> Sent: 04 February 2015 12:19
> >> To: [log in to unmask]
> >> Subject: Three Memento Mori
> >>
> >> I've adopted certain of your gestures
> >>
> >> refining them as acts of memory
> >>
> >> a sort of stillness in some ways you moved
> >>
> >> that is both elegant and sexy
> >>
> >> in a way I
> >>
> >> cannot
> >>
> >> understand
> >>
> >> my lines fall
> >>
> >> short of it
> >>
> >> it *is*
> >>
> >> and so,
> >>
> >> quite often
> >>
> >> simple
> >>
> >> processes
> >>
> >> like putting off
> >>
> >> a coat and
> >>
> >> rolling it
> >>
> >> into a rucksack
> >>
> >> bring back
> >>
> >> your presence
> >>
> >> and the joy I have
> >>
> >> lost breaks into me
> >>
> >> like cold rain which I
> >>
> >> receive
> >>
> >> shelterless
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> today it's an old fashioned signpost,
> >>
> >> two arms of three intact,
> >>
> >> pointing from nowhere to nowhere
> >>
> >> in an arrowhead triangle
> >>
> >> of marigolds, daisies, docks and heaping grass;
> >>
> >> but there're other things of great variety;
> >>
> >> this has stout bolts and persistent paint,
> >>
> >> the lettering clear; the top like a small church spire
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> clouds deny gravity
> >>
> >> above encircling hedges
> >>
> >> at the world's top
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> speechless
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> grief does not need
> >>
> >> a body or a loss
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> it is both
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> one walks forgetful
> >>
> >> a mouth within
> >>
> >
>